This is my first attempt at writing on a forum, so thank you for reading.
I am 29 year old cis gendered woman. The first time I experienced an orgasm was on my own using a vibrator. From there, I was able to reach climax with partners through clitoral stimulation. However, I have yet to experience a vaginal orgasm. It is something I would love to experience and I am not quite sure how to get there. I must admit I also feel a lot of pressure to reach climax via penetration. As I get older more and more of my friends have experienced this and I can’t help but feel like it will never happen for me. I get embarrassed when talking to my friends about it, a lot of times they seem shocked or almost feel bad for me like I am missing out on one of life’s greatest pleasures. I also have this idea in my head that it would make me a better lover if I could just ograsm with my partner through penetration.
I have come very close only 2 times I can remember. Both with a partner. I have also tried a few sex toys with no luck. Since I have had these close encounters with vaginal orgasms, I think (just maybe) I can get there. However, I do feel a bit lost and ashamed all at the same time.
I am looking for advice on handling shame/frustration that comes with the journey as well as any tips that have helped you in the past. I don’t want to give up on my orgasm goals but I also don’t want to feel let down chasing an orgasm dream. It seems like a balancing act that I have not mastered.
Anyway, thanks so much for reading. This community seems amazing and I look forward to hearing from you all.
Hi @istirado, so happy to have you here in the forum posting! So happy to post some tips and things to try but I’m gonna throw out a little bit of real talk and some love to you first.
Not everyone orgasms from vaginal penetration, and some folks just won’t. Full stop. In fact majority of folks with vaginas don’t orgasm from vaginal penetration alone, it’s pretty rare in the grand scheme of things. There is a great (albeit older) study here with the data to show that vaginal only orgasms are pretty darn rare. You having an orgasm vaginally or not will not have any affect on how you are as a lover with a partner (it would only change how your body feels and even then you might not really notice it). And frankly I think some of your friends either might be lying about having consistent vaginal orgasms (common, a lot of people feel insecure about how they measure up with others when talking about sex) or they’ve had an orgasm during penetration but it’s actually been a combination of factors that caused them to orgasm (gspot, friction on the clit while being penetrated) and they are confusing that with vaginal only orgasms. Which is totally common too. (But also if your friends ever make you feel bad or act shocked tell them to fuck off (or at least point out every body is different and they’re being rude), because no friend should make you feel that way about your sexual wellness).
Also I want to send you some love, because you are pressuring yourself on something that is really tough to achieve and might just not be for you. It’s great to explore and try! And give yourself a ton of credit for doing that and wanting to learn more about your body, many folks don’t do that. But if you feel a lot of pressure to climax in a certain way, generally that’s only going to lead to you feeling stressed, not enjoying sex, and def. not getting the result you want. And you should NEVER feel shame on how you orgasm or if you can’t orgasm or really anything when it comes to how your body works in regards to sexual wellness. Bodies are fickle things and can be super specific to the person. Sadly we live in a world where culturally people think they have to cum a specific way or fuck a specific way and that isn’t reality and is really unfair, because it makes us feel shame. And we shouldn’t. Cliche as it is, your body is unique and wonderful and you are exploring what makes it works, and that is really rad!
So now that I’ve said all that, ha, tips on both what to try and also handling shame/frustration.
Like I said, the more frustrated you get, the more pressure you feel, the less your body will be able to relax. And if you are trying to see if your body will orgasm in a new way (which is a lot of trial and error), that stress isn’t going to help. If you aren’t relaxed, it’s for sure not going to happen (if it even does). I wanted to be able to squirt for years and couldn’t. And what finally got me there? Being fully relaxed, really comfortable, not focusing and just riding out the orgasms in the moment. Technique also helped, but really it took me making sure my body wasn’t tense, and I my brain wasn’t waiting for a big moment and focusing on that, to actually have it happen. SO, remind yourself in the moment, you’re just going to relax and see what happens, if it happens great, but just focus on pleasure and see where that takes you. And if it doesn’t happen, remind yourself that trying to do something with your body that isn’t the norm, it’s essentially a skill you are trying to learn. It takes practice, it won’t be perfect, it might not work out in the end. So you are trying and practicing, and there is no shame in that.
So, here’s the other thing that sucks about this idea of vaginal penetration with a penis being this common thing. A penis usually can’t reach your gspot. Which if your gspot is hit, generally it’s a different type of orgasm (it feels a bit deeper and intense, in my opinion). Sometimes a penis during sex can bump up against that area, and that def. makes your orgasm and/or sex feel different, more heightened, when it does. But honestly toys are better for this just because the shape alone. Have you tried gspot specific toys?
Positions! Changing positions can def. change how a penis or toy is hitting your gspot and can lead to a different type of orgasm too. Everyone is different, but certain positions help with deeper penetration. I personally have good success with being on my knees and my partner thrusting from behind, makes it easier to pull my hips up. Changing positions can in general make things feel different.
I think relaxing, g-spot focused toys and switching up positions are a good start to try and see if you have a “vaginal orgasm,” although really like I said I think the traditional idea is bogus and you’d just be having a different and maybe more deeper orgasm. But also, like I said, it might not happen and that’s 100% ok. I still have never orgasmed from just vaginal penetration alone without gspot or clit stimulation. But now I squirt after doing all the above, and that’s a cool new thing my body can do on the regular now. Bodies change and it can be different person to person, at the end of the day as long as you are feeling good and enjoying yourself, that’s what matters
Actually, I’m going to drop a link to this Cosmo article because they bring up some SUPER great points. They actually talk about the gspot not existing (which I get what they mean). They essentially are trying to make you realize that your clit, your internal parts, all of it are one long extension. Which is totally true! So it’s about playing around to get different sensations from different types of stimulation. Def. worth a read too.
Hello, and Welcome to this forum. First - You need to change your way of thinking. You can make it happen. Just listen to your body. Find your goody spots. There are several in there. Communicate with your partner. It will take some time, and patience. You need to relax. Be comfortable. Be focused. Don’t try too hard. Don’t give up. Sometimes, you can get there with a little help from your clitoris. After all; She’s in there too. Its like dual orgasm’s …That’s where you’ll find - The Female Ejaculation. I can help you get there. Just let me know. Be Well & Be Happy
Ehhhhh just coming in to say it’s 100% ok if you can’t make it happen. Not everyone orgasms the same way, and a lot of folks don’t orgasm specific ways at all. Totally normal and ok.
Also female ejaculation isn’t always from vaginal penetration. I do this a lot from just oral sex and clitoral stimulation.
Bottom line, listen to your body, and don’t be too hard on yourself if it doesn’t come easily or at all. Doesn’t mean it’s not in the cards forever, and even if it isn’t, you can still have a lot of wonderful, fun sex.
Thank you so much for your wise and kind words. I guess I have to just remember that it’s all about my pleasure. I get caught up in what sex is “supposed” to be like. But in reality it’s different for everyone.
I will just keep exploring and have fun in the process. I am sure I will revisit your response for some encouragement if I get down in the future.
You’re welcome! And yup, if it’s meant to happen, exploring and having fun will make it happen easier. Cliche as it can be, it’s all about the journey sometimes and not the destination
HI,
i am 29 years old too, and have never had an internal orgasm… i felt like this article was written by me and that you just said eeeeverything that i think of and feel!!
i have an amazing partner who just wants to please me, and try everything i need, but i dont know what i like or need to get there! but every time, i just think too hard about trying to relax and enjoy because im constantly thinking of climaxing
i brought a vibrating dildo to help, but i get a bit funny when i put things “up” and i find it a bit uncomfortable!
i feel like im missing out and just want to explore… how do i not get bored and give up when im taking too long??
So, some toys and types of vibrations can be uncomfortable for folks. Some people like buzzy vibrations or rumbly ones, and some people hate those types too. There are for sure high levels that if I’m sensitive or aroused are just TOO much and are a buzzkill (pun intended, ha).
Honestly? The best thing to do is variety and just enjoying the journey. I def. think if you focus too hard on climaxing, it takes the fun out of sex, and can make it even tougher to climax. Just have fun (as cliche as it is) and don’t worry if you climax or not. It should be about the fun together (or with yourself), not an end result. If you fool around and have fun, but don’t orgasm, you still had fun, right?
As for boredom, and really for finding what works to get you off in different or stronger ways, trying new things helps. A position if you don’t want to spend money. Fucking a different way, even masturbating a different way can change how your body reacts. Do you role play at all? If not, try it. Or have your partner tell you what to do, I love to do that and it gets my head in a different place. Or edging is fun to play with, and I’ve def. found stronger orgasms from doing that. All things you can try that don’t cost a dime.
If you have some $, I would try new toys for sure. And it doesn’t have to be a vibrator/dildo/etc. A pinwheel, nipple clamps or a pump, even trying different lubes can give you a variety of sensations and new things to find that feel good.
