Relearning intimacy

(TW slight mention of sexual trauma)
Hello! I have recently had a revelation, and I think this might be the best place for me to ask questions about it because I love this community!
I have always had so much disconnection from sex, I’ve never been able to cum from penetration, and I have to focus pretty hard because I’ll get all disassociate-y. I have a wonderful partner who loves the addition of toys and everything, but I would looove to “learn” how to climax just from having sex with him! I recently sat and tried to figure out what my deal was. Until maybe 22, I thought I might be asexual because I felt nothing from sex. I even considered asking my mom if there was a sexual trauma in my past that i blocked out…However, I recently realized that out of all the people I have had sex with, I actually only really WANTED to have sex with maybe two people…so i learned how to have sex by feeling like a “sex object” for lack of a better word, and I thought that’s what I liked. Because i do love pleasing. However now at 25, I really love having sex with my partner but I don’t know how to really relearn and get into my body as much as I want to.
Also my partner is lovely with understanding and intimacy, but I just don’t know how you relearn how to have sex when you’ve been having it one way for so long.
Thank you! :slight_smile:


Hi @Mslala and thank you, glad you love the community here!

This hits close to home for me, because I’ve been working with my therapist the past year on being more present during sex and not disassociating from my body, so I hope some of my experience with this can help.

Before I mention what has helped for me, I do want to address your comment about not being able to cum from penetration and wanting to climax from just penetrative sex. I’m assuming you have a vagina and are speaking about vaginal penetration, apologies if not! Here’s the thing: a ton of folks with vaginas don’t come from penetration alone. Ever. And that’s totally normal and ok! It’s super common, and doesn’t mean it won’t ever happen, but also climaxing from penetration only might just not be your body’s jam. And that’s 100% cool. Not to toot my own horn, but I have some great orgasms, I can ejaculate and have multiple orgasms and have a great time, but I still have never, ever cam from penetration only. I always need my clit stimulated, either with penetrative sex or before or after. Still doesn’t mean it won’t ever happen, but just pointing this out to say don’t be too hard on yourself if your body is like nope, not going to orgasm with penetrative sex only.

So, my work has been more based around disassociating from my body during sex because of an eating disorder and body dysmorphia. But I def. noticed while doing this work that when it came to sex in the past for me, a lot of the times I was disassociating to get out of my head and thoughts and to be a “sex object” like you described. Because for me I still wanted approval through sex and praise so I was kinda putting it on vs. being myself during sex and having to be in my body and aware of it, which I didn’t want to be. Hope that makes sense.

So, you can start to relearn and guide your body in a way or bring awareness to things you want to change when it comes to your body and its relationship with sex, or that’s been my experience at least. One of the first things I’d suggest doing is checking in with how aware and present you are during sex. I didn’t even realize that during sex I wasn’t really present a lot of the time, I’d close my eyes and sorta float off. It still felt nice, but I truly wasn’t in the moment with my body. So now it’s a lot of being cognitive of that, and making sure I’m checking in during sex and bringing it back to my body. Just simply reminding myself to stop and open my eyes and go “hey, are you here?” helps to bring me back to the present moment. Sometimes if I feel a bit disassociated and can’t fully be present, it helps for me to use the five senses to ground myself and bring myself back to the moment. Just stopping and going “ok, what am I hearing, seeing, smelling, touching, tasting,” helps bring me back into my body and get into the headspace to be present with my partner and myself while having sex.

Body work with myself solo has also really helped. Touching and holding my body differently during sex and while masturbating, masturbating differently whether it be in a different position or a new type of toy or with different porn, all of that has helped me get to know my body in new and deeper ways, and doing that has had positive affects on my sex life with my partner as well.

Being present and just getting my body comfortable and exposed to new sensations and methods have yielded for me at least different and more intense orgasms. And left me feeling SO much more empowered and confident in my body, which I think also has had something to do with these new and sometimes stronger orgasms too. I still had fun before with my partner, but all of this work has just deepened the sex I’ve had and created more variety in how I cum, which has been great.

Sorry for the long post but hope this helps! Happy to answer any questions if you have them about body work too!