Hi Strawberry! I can suggest a few things.
So, a few questions off the bat: do you orgasm from clitoral stimulation? (I’m assuming you have a vagina and clitoris, apologies if not). A lot of folks don’t orgasm from penetration alone, and many folks don’t really enjoy penetrative sex. Also are you aroused before and/or during penetrative sex? If you aren’t and you are dry, then it can be really uncomfortable! Totally a normal occurrence, but totally not a fun experience. Also do you have the same experience masturbating (if you masturbate with penetration, that is)?
Not feeling pleasure in the moment, that can be really frustrating, totally get that. I know it sucks, but advocating and communicating what you need is probably the first step. Your partner likely doesn’t know you are feeling this way during sex. And I totally get the feeling of not wanting to say anything, it’s really hard to advocate, especially as a trauma survivor, I understand that too.
Would you feel more comfortable discussing before sex with your partner about this? I’ve def. told a partner before “hey, you’re going to have to go down on me first or use or toy or lube before we get going.” Also when I don’t feel comfortable or have time to discuss before, in the moment showing a partner what you want or need vs. asking for it can not only usually get me what I want sexually, but can actually be a turn-on for a partner. Saying “rub my clit” or “go down on me for a bit” or even just directing their hand or body can be a way to tell someone what you want without verbalizing it, if that feels more comfortable to do.
If you do freeze up in the moment, and the idea of telling a partner before or during what you want doesn’t seem feasible, then maybe talking to a therapist is a good idea. I’ve def. used therapy to do work sexually to work through being in my own head and holding back when it comes to sex due to trauma. There are also a ton of books for survivors as well that would be a great resource to check out too. Here are a few of my favorites:
The Body Keeps the Score is essential reading on trauma and healing.
This is another really great book that focuses more on healing sex after trauma.
If you are a visual learner, I love this book explaining trauma and trauma responses. We’re sold out now, but def. an interesting format to check out.
If nothing else, it’s a process. I know it’s frustrating, but learning what your body needs and advocating for that is a journey, which can be frustrating at time, so give yourself some extra love and grace.
For me, penetration becomes more fun and enjoyable when it’s not completely centered as the main sex act and other forms of play are incorporated more (i.e. nipple play, oral, fingering, role play, etc). Some may see those things as “merely foreplay” but I find those acts essential in becoming aroused enough to enjoy penetration. I hope this helps! 