hello! I am a trans man and i’ve been with my girlfriend for about six months. and I can almost never cum during sex! this was also the case for me with previous sexual partners.
it’s very frustrating because I can always cum when I masturbate. also, it’s incredibly easy to make my girlfriend orgasm. so what’s my deal? do I have stage fright? am I too distracted or not turned on enough during sex? how can I solve this problem?
I’m sorry you’re in this predicament.
It can be any or a combination of those.
You have to really evaluate what you’re thinking when you masturbate…
Let me know if you need any more help!
I’m sorry you’re struggling with this, but I’m glad to see someone talking about it! I actually used to struggle with the same thing. I’ve been with my partner for almost 7 years, and rarely ever orgasm during sex. It’s something that used to make me feel bad about myself. Eventually I decided i wanted to try reframing the way in which I thought about it. Once I learned to stop hating on myself because of it, I realized that I was actually okay with only orgasming during masturbation. I love my partner and having sex with them, but orgasms don’t have to be a part of that for me. Now, I’m really comfortable with how things work for us! Both sex and masturbation are even more fulfilling now. Of course, this isn’t the truth for everyone in this situation. There are lots of potential reasons behind this kind of issue. I just wanted to share my personal take on this, since I don’t see too many people talk about it. Try to be patient and kind with yourself while figuring this out!
First off, I want to say that solo orgasms and partnered orgasms can be very different experiences and no one should ever feel shamed or pressured for not doing either (or both!). My suggestion is to be gentle with yourself and not see this as a ‘problem’ to solve but rather an opportunity to explore. I’ve found it is so much easier and more exciting for both me and my partners when we place things in a framework of ‘Oo here’s a fun new thing we get to explore and discover together.’
If you orgasm from masturbation, that could be a really fun thing to bring into partner play! For example, you could masturbate and let your partner watch, you and your partner could masturbate together, you could stimulate yourself while you do X to your partner…
Have you had a conversation about this with your girlfriend? If so, how did that go? If not, that would be a great place to start! Partnered sex is just that, partnered! 
Orgasm shouldn’t be an ‘end goal’ but it can certainly be frustrating when we know we are capable but can’t seem to recreate certain sexual responses with our partners as we can when we are alone. I find it helpful to not compare myself and my orgasms to my partners’. By eliminating this comparison it frees me to focus on pleasuring my partner and enjoying my own pleasure without any expectations or rules on what our sex is ‘supposed’ to look like.
You know lots of people have this problem. I do to sometimes! I can make myself cum everytime but with a partner I just cant get there everytime. For me though having an orgasm myself isnt the goal. I just enjoy being together and making him cum. It’s the intimacy that is great. Maybe bring in some toys to help.
@wackywizardz I’m curious as to what tour thoughts are during intimacy, are you putting pressure on yourself to finish?
thank you everyone for the really great input! there’s a lot of good advice in there.
not at first, although after sometime I feel like I start to rush until eventually I am just pressuring myself. I suppose some mental gymnastics might be a good solution…
thanks for the reply! your input’s really appreciated. this was the case with me and a previous sexual partner of mine. we both agreed that it can be fun and orgasm doesn’t have to be the “goal” of sex. but my current partner is much, much easier to finish and so I feel a little silly in comparison! but as you said, it’s meant to be about experiencing pleasure, not comparing yourselves. i’ve talked about this with my girlfriend as well, and she isn’t pressed about it. in fact, she likes to take an incredibly long time with me, so there’s no issue there. it should be mentioned that it’s in no way due to her at all- it’s more like stage fright. we have masturbated together several times, and I don’t always orgasm then, either. I think I just always freeze up and get nervous! so I believe the problem is just that I am worried there’s a problem, and that inhibits my ability to enjoy myself fully. so I should probably work on cutting loose a little! and that would help me out.
Hey bb! I also feel a huge difference between orgasming on my own and with a partner. Being with a partner can cause huge amounts of stress and diverted focus. I dated a trans male for over a year and he had the same problem with me. I tried to make sure he was comfortable but this was often difficult due to his dysphoria. If you are comfortable I would suggest asking your partner if they would let you get off on your own; if this is something that could help you. As some others mentioned, orgasm doesn’t have to be the goal. If it is your goal however, try doing it on your own/ near your partner! It could be fun for your partner to see you orgasm even if they didn’t directly help you out