So today was pretty big for me. Today was the first time I got off while fully nude. Now of course I’ve done it in the shower but… I never did it just casually naked in my bed. Basically today I was deep in soft honey mode. I just wanted any satisfaction and craved any attention. Every time something sexy would cross my mind if audibly whine. So I went to my room, closed and locked the door and started doing the usual stuff. As I got going and started blushing I started thinking. On my time on this forum and generally over the past couple years I’ve gotten more confident. I think it’s just boomed lately cause for the first time I’ve read such positive things and so many people are happy for me and encourage me to chase bigger goals. I mean it makes sense. Out of all the fantasies in my head. The ones that make me the most submissive are the ones where I’m trying something new and have someone there to help and tell me that trying is enough. The idea of someone just being there and holding my hand while they whisper praise into my ear both makes me extremely happy and close to crying. I guess that I crave someone’s loving voice and am sad that I don’t have it. Then of course the post depression and anxiety kick in and I worry I never will have it. But today I was going to do my best and try to do something scary. I was gonna try and make the dom in my head proud and by proxy make me happy. So midway I decided fuck it. I take off my underwear and shirt and instantly got softer… guess deep rooted fear and trauma “as my therapist puts it” aren’t great for sexual drive. But I kept going and finished. It felt freeing. But change doesn’t happen overnight and I still felt off. I then quickly cleaned up and put my clothes back on. I’m happy I did it, it will just take some getting used too. On the upside I used my new harness technique again and it worked pretty well. I am going to try and go bare skin more often. I’m still super proud I did it. Maybe next few times I can do it under covers and see if that makes things easier. But I’m happy I did it none the less. Sorry if this was a bit of a heavy read. But just know… thank you to the people who give me what I’ve been craving, a voice that cares. Thank you for helping me make myself better. 
Okay writing that made my eyes wetter then water. I’m gonna go play video games to feel better. Talking about past shit and fears isn’t easy for me. Peace lovelies 