So as I wait for my new vibe and lube and collar and stuff, I can’t help but feel a sense of excitement and dread. See for so long I’ve seen porn and sex shops and I dreamt about having sex with a man and shoving a dildo inside me. The idea of such beautiful, blissful pleasure is fascinating to me. I love the idea of being like the twinks I see on pornhub who sit in provocative ways and finger theirselves until a fantastic orgasm explodes. I fantasize about shoveling a vibrating toy inside me and just ride out the pleasure. The problem is I’m now faced with the first hurdle. Actually fingering myself for the first time.
Don’t get me wrong, in the moment it sounds amazing! I’ve head external prostate orgasms and they are mind blowing! I nearly scream each time, I can’t imagine how stimulating it directly would feel. But the more I think of it the more it scares the hell outta me. I’ve read the articles and I’ve seen the videos and at first glance I’m all for it! Believe me I know the chance of mess and discomfort and at first it doesn’t bother me. But the more I think about it I get so scared. It sucks cause I fantasize about a loving dom holding my chin and kissing me as I finger myself and cum for him. It’s an amazing thought but I can’t help but feel overwhelmed. Maybe by fear or grossed out or discomfort. I want to do it but part of me feels I can’t do it alone. Part of me feels I’m not strong enough to do it myself. I don’t know what else to say… I want to. I really want too. But it’s just one of those things I can’t seem to get over. I just don’t feel either confident or that I’m strong enough to do it. It sucks cause I know I’m gonna have too at one point! If I want to lay with a man, how am I supposed to handle a mans erection if my own fingers scare me?
Sorry I don’t… sorry this is more of a rant I guess. Sorry.
Wanted to say sorry. I got emotional and tend to ramble a lot when emotional. We good 
This is all okay! It’s completely normal for this to be exciting and overwhelming and scary. These kinds of feelings tend to take quite some time to process and settle. You’re doing great thinking through everything. Try to keep reminding yourself that your confidence will grow with time. There’s no rush. You can take things one step at a time. Also, just look at how far you’ve come since joining this forum! You’ve already been making progress in trying new things and allowing yourself to find pleasure in intimidating experiences.
Thanks. Needed to hear that
And yeah I have made a lot of progress huh?
I have felt more confident lately and I’ll keep trying to get better!