Can anybody help out a demisexual BDSM newbie?

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Hiya! I am a demisexual chick with a few prominent kinks, but up until recently they’ve been the sort of kinks that don’t really play out in the bedroom. I am very fond of bondage, but I don’t really like to participate in it as much as just fantasize about it, and it’s more of a ‘damsel(girl, guy or enby damsel, doesn’t matter c: )-in-distress’ kind of kink than anything else. My asexuality is also the kind where I don’t like to fantasize about myself or real people in my head - in fact, including myself in anything is very often a turn-off. Maybe it’s also a bit of a self-esteem thing, but either way, it is what it is. Instead I have a roster of fictional characters I subject to various fantasies involving capture and rescue scenarios. My fantasies involve very little sex, if any at all.

Recently however, my husband and I discovered that Pet-Play is something we’re both super excited about, with him as my gentle dom and me as his kitten c: I’m excited about experimenting with super cute outfits, light bondage, getting friskier inside and even outside of the bedroom, and being in a kitten-headspace more often (which is actually not new, I tend to lean toward acting a certain way when I want to feel safe and comforted). I’m a bit nervous about how to let loose and be okay with playing out my various fantasies in real life, though. Mostly because I’d be at the center of them, from my perspective. I’m super shy, even after being with my husband for 15 years (married for 5). I still have difficulty undressing around him and I haven’t let him perform a lot of acts on me, 3-parts because of being asexual, 7-parts because I have a lot of mental trauma surrounding sex, even with someone I love and trust so much.

For the record, my husband is EXTREMELY amazing and supportive. c: He’s never made me do anything I’m uncomfortable doing, and at the same time is wonderful at encouraging me to come out of my shell whenever I feel I’m ready.

I’ve also come to terms with the fact that we’re both sort of switches. Recently while filling up a wishlist, I came across a beautiful strap-on harness by Calexotics and thought about how badass it would be just to own one and to be able to choose a dildo that matches both my personality and the needs of me and my partner. Suddenly, I realized I reeeeally want to try pegging out, as well as experimenting with dildos and things to just wear and feel proud of. I think I mostly got excited about the idea of being able to explore my gender a bit and see what it could be like to rock a dick, a non-phallic dildo OR a monster-dick (I do love Bowser / Bowsette a lot ;'0 ).

But how does one go from being the subby kitten who does whatever she’s told when she’s not being bratty, to being a somewhat-soft dominatrix with a strap-on? I just can’t wrap my head around how to play in both worlds without souring one or the other.

So, TL;DR, here are my concerns - sorry I’m so verbose:

• BDSM in the bedroom as a ace/demisexual individual who normally doesn’t like placing herself as the center of attention: Are there any ways to practice letting go and being okay with myself in this manner? Any tips for someone with self-love and anxiety issues, and who dissociates from herself during partnered sex?

• How do you switch from being a sub in one session to being a dom in another without ‘ruining’ future scenes? Is this even possible?

Thanks for anyone’s input, as well as putting up with my long-ass posts. :'3

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Skull! I feel like you were just eavesdropping on my call I literally just had with my therapist, ha! :slight_smile: I’m doing work with my therapist on some of the stuff you touched on, I’ll give a little background for comparison, then some suggestions that might help.

So background, my partner and I (11 years for us!) are both switches too. But I def. have always gravitated to being more a sub because of my own body issues/lack of body confidence. I guess I’ve longed to be more dom, but a lot of the times my personal experience being a dom felt forced, like I was pretending to be something, playing a role, and not in a fun way but more a “be this way, just fake it until you believe it.” I know now (thanks therapy) that those feelings were rooted for me in lacking confidence with my body, which was getting in the way of me fully being able to embrace and enjoy being a dom in our relationship. I also hadn’t realized that most of the porn or play I was consuming was with bodies that didn’t look like me. So I felt very disassociated from it all. It’s been a HUGE positive experience for me to seek out porn or play with people that look like my body. I didn’t think it would change my own mindset that much, but it really has. Seeing confident fat doms helped me feel empowered (which duh, in hindsight, haha), but also helped sooth my mind of the fears I had that I couldn’t be both sub and dom with my body. It gave me permission, that I could have duality of both and be hot in both situations! So switching it up feels natural now, because I don’t have any guilt or hesitation about my relationship with being either a sub or dom like I did before. If that makes sense. Sex feels intentional and more accepting over all for myself, it’s now easier to stay focused in the mindset I want to be in during that moment.

As for BDSM part, I’m not ace/demi, so I can’t speak specifically to that, but I have been doing a lot of body work around sex and masturbation and dissociating from my body. Until I got treatment for an eating disorder, I wasn’t even aware that I was dissociating majority of the time I had sex. I was able to orgasm so my brain just assumed hey, you’re having good sex! And to be fair it wasn’t bad sex, but it def. wasn’t being present in my body and mind or aware of my body during sex.

Once I did what I would consider some exposure therapy, making myself stay present or making myself aware that I was starting to dissociate during sex, it was really telling just how much and often I was dissociating and not realizing it. So, I’ve been doing a lot of different body work (solo and with my partner) to work on that. Here a few things that have helped me in general:

  1. Touching parts of my body I usually avoid when masturbating. For me, my stomach I always avoid. So now when I masturbate, I’ll make an effort to grab my belly, touch it and really feel my body so I’m being fully aware that the pleasure I’m giving myself is pleasure for ALL of my body.
  2. Touching my body in different non-sexual ways, or having my partner touch it in a different way. The other week instead of putting lotion on me (which is a still a more new thing for me past few years because of the body stuff), I had my partner put it on me. It wasn’t sexual, but it was still intimate and care from someone who appreciates my body, and felt vulnerable.
  3. Lean into feeling vulnerable (in a good way). And do it in steps, not all at once. There are certain positions I avoid because I feel like I don’t look good or I feel uncomfortable or can’t do them. I get in my head about it. So the other night? I was like hey, let’s try it! I sat in a chair with my stomach exposed, I used a stool to modify the position to prop my leg up, and had my partner go down on me, with the lights on. Which doesn’t seem that wild to many, but for someone who prefers to default to certain positions where I feel like I’m able to look a certain way or hide my body, it was for me. I was nervous, and a little uncomfortable at the start. But my partner was great, he not only made sure I was comfortable before and during, he was enthusiastic (a turn on) and made sure to check-in with how I was feeling after and give me props for trying a new position because he knows I’m working on this stuff. So it’s part pushing yourself in a good way, but also having that support from your partner, which it sounds like you have!
  4. Aftercare! Physical and mental. With yourself, with a partner sometimes, sometimes both. Esp. when you are centering yourself and you aren’t use to doing that. Asking yourself how did I feel before? How did X thing make me feel during? What is coming up for me after? Aftercare is a great time to address any anxiety or negative talk that comes up for me, which it does. It’s once again intentional, and in a space where I can confront emotions and feelings in a more direct and loving way vs. from a place driven by emotion and sometimes judgement in the moment.
  5. There’s always no. For me, I need that reminder. Because for years I was more centered around being performative because I felt I had to be (not because I wanted to), so I felt like if I explored a kink or try something new, I’d have to be game and couldn’t back down. And so reminding myself “hey, if this isn’t your thing you can stop or not do it again” not only helps me set healthy boundaries, but also helps ease the anxiety that builds up for me and helps me let go of any judgment or pressure I’m putting on myself. I’m able to just be in the moment.

So TL;DR for me, ha, is basically you’ll have to lean into feeling a bit vulnerable and sitting in that discomfort, but usually by doing so that is where you’ll learn more about yourself, what you want, and that will hopefully help make you feel less anxiety, be more present and overall enjoy your body more.

Hope that makes sense! It’s def. a journey learning to explore kinks while also still learning about your own body and the relationship you have with it. But doing so has only deepened my relationship with both, and also deepened my relationship with my partner, so def. a worthwhile endeavor!

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Oh, and forgot also that sometimes it helps me to acknowledge to my partner “hey, I’m feeing silly about this” and then we can laugh it out or joke in that moment and it relaxes me a ton. Just vocalizing feelings really helps me set them aside!

Also would def. give two enthusiastic thumbs up to pegging if your partner is into the idea! I never even thought about the gender and power play of wearing a strap-on until I experienced it and it was fun and illuminating for me. Having my partner suck me off wearing it was so rad!

Also so many cute dildos to choose from! I would def. take a look at the Blush Avant ones, I adore them not only for affordability and design, but the cute color combos! https://spectrumboutique.com/catalogsearch/result/?q=Blush+Avant

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a bajillion years laterrrrr~

Oh my gosh thank you so much for being so thorough and kind in sharing your experience!! <33 That means so much to me! I apologize for taking so long to get back to you - Valentine’s Day rush and an upcoming event got the best of me. <33

Aftercare is something I never really thought of before until recently. Something about that makes a lot of the conflicting feelings I have about all of this feel worth it and more like an actual activity instead of something I’m just acting out, if that makes any sense lol. Feelings are hard to explain. :'3

My mental health journey has also been VERY MUCH about leaning into feeling vulnerable - I love how you said that and how you put it. That’s such a valid explanation. I’ve been very passively reaping the benefits of riding out panic attacks instead of trying to resist them, so I can absolutely see how that can apply to other things in life. Thank you so much for suggesting this - it’s something I’ll absolutely look into.

And yeaaaah I’m looking at a LOT of Blush’s Avant series! Many exist on my wishlist now. <3

Thank you very much again <33 c:

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Of course! Happy to help, I joke that might as well get my money’s worth for all the therapy I’ve done, ha, and share things if it can help others :slight_smile:

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Switching within a scene and even between scenes is totally valid. When I first became a switch from having just been a sub I was terrified it made me somehow less of a submissive or a dominant but that’s just not true. You can be 100% of both and be just fine! Or however you feel you are. I feel like domspace and subspace are very distinct and if your partner enjoys what’s going on and cares about you, the idea of “well I can’t submit to this person, I was just domming them!” is never even going to come close to crossing their mind. There’s lots of switches out there that do just fine without a problem on that front!

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