Multiple Orgasms, a High Drive & ENM

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So I’m a bisexual person with a vuvla who spent 12 years in a vuvla/penis marriage not getting my sexual needs met. I might orgasm 4 or 5 times a year because sex was terrible and we rarely bothered. Fast forward to my first relationship post divorce and our first time together we literally had sex for 4 hours with both of us having multiple orgasms. He could climax and keep right on going. And I could orgasms almost nonstop for hours on end. Unfortunately work & family took him away after about 2 years. Now we’re in a ENM relationship and hookup several times a year

Pre pandemic I could only get multiples with PIV sex. Well imagine my surprise when a new partner helped me realize I can get them many ways. PIV, PIT, PIB, vibrators, the Rose toy, heck at this point I can get multiples with just my hand or him climaxing on me. So my dilemma is multi pronged. First, I can’t relax and just climax like I’d like too because it’s always too much for the guys I’m with. I love sex with vulva having people but my kink is that I love semen in me or on me so I’m always wanting that before I’m fully satisfied. After months of vetting someone we will get the bedroom and it’s over in 20 minutes or less and I was barely getting started. Now if I masturbate some one is enviably butt hurt.

Secondly, how much is too much and when do I go full on kinky with a new guy? I am happiest when I’m not holding back, and we’re doing all the kinkiest things that float my boat. Do I mention it when we’re talking pre sex STI testing? Do I ask them about their stamina? And where do I find open minded sex partners? It’s hard enough finding people ok with ENM and almost impossible to navigate through this to find someone to meet my distinct sexual needs. It ruins sex for me when I’m so limited. Most guys can’t handle even half the kinky stuff I like without blowing their load. Love the load hate that it means we’re done.

And lastly I have a lot of orgasms & it takes a long time for me to be sexually satisfied. I can easily get 10 to 15 or more like 30+ an hour when I’m really in my groove. I stop short of calling myself a nympho because I enjoy the sex. I’m not ashamed or feel bad later. I can spend hours in bed with 1 partner, climb out & go straight to bed with another and still be able to have multiples. With everyone aware of the ENM I have zero guilt and I’ve accepted I’ll probably need at least 2 partners to be satisfied. I often have to masturbate from several days a week to several times a day so I’m not walking around in a constant state of arousal. Yet, even masterbation requires 4 or 5 orgasms before I cool down. After a good thorough session of lovemaking usually by the next morning I’m having to masturbate because I’m still so turned on. It ruins sex for me when I’m always so limited. What can I do?

And as a footnote, I just turned 40 so maybe part of it is the sexual peak women go through around this age. I don’t know but I just want to find a couple people I so can let me freak flag fly free. What’s my next steps?

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Hi Lynda! Sounds like you are exploring and having a lot of fun, which is great! I’ll just tackle a few things you mention in order:

  • I think bringing up the concerns about not being able to relax and the issues with past partners getting hurt about masturbating should happen before sex. Let that partner know hey, we might have to slow down for you so I can go longer or I might masturbate and you watch or I need you to do this so I can enjoy myself. Establish that up front, which can be tough since, like you mentioned, some folks can get hurt, but it’s worth it to establish that up front.

  • Have you ever tried an ejaculating toy? That might be an option for when you want to sleep with someone with a vulva but still enjoy the experience of ejaculation.

  • Personally, I’d be up front right from the get-go once you realize things are heading towards being sexual together. I’d be as honest and up front about the things you are into and want to do, and be honest with them that you are looking for a partner who is like-minded. Sometimes you might still find some folks who think they can keep up but won’t, but that will help weed out folks if you are very candid. As for finding partners, I live in a major city, so it’s a lot easier because there is an active kink community. But things like Fetlife or just searching for bdsm in your area can yield folks. Just make sure to vet anyone, especially groups. Like most of the legit groups near me have you go to social and casual events, like drinks or a lunch, before you are vetted to be invited to private events. Also, and especially in bigger metro areas, you can find bars that do alt and bdsm nights, and that’s a great casual spot to meet like-minded folks that could lead to something more as well.

  • As long as sex and masturbating isn’t keeping you from doing work or your life, then I think it’s up to a person how much they want. That said, if you feel you are in a constant state of arousal to the point it’s uncomfortable or it’s ruining sex for you, it might be worthwhile talking to an OBGYN or your GP. Our bodies and hormones can affect us all in such unique ways, and if it’s not enjoyable, it’s worth maybe checking out.