This is my first time being in a relationship and having sexual experiences and I feel incredibly disappointed and embarrassed by what’s been happening. When we have sex I am very aroused by pleasuring him, but as soon as he touches me I get in my head and lose my arousal and sometimes can’t even feel what he’s doing anymore. I still enjoy sex and do have moments where I feel really good but it’s never enough. I’ve tried bringing toys into the mix and it hasn’t helped. I’ve talked to my partner about it and he’s very understanding and comforting but at the same time doesn’t ever offer to try to help me out? Which I don’t want to make him feel obligated especially since this seems like a Me problem but it makes me feel especially ashamed of my desires. He’s a sweet guy but everything has felt kind of revolved around his pleasure mostly. When we have penetrative sex I feel alone and kind of used after. I know orgasms shouldn’t be the main goal/focus of sex but not being able to have one is making me feel very disconnected from my partner and myself. I also have similar problems with masturbation now where I just can’t stay focused/aroused. Prior to this relationship I can considered myself a proudly sexual being and someone who was very in tune with their own body, but now it just feels the opposite.
Hey adorable, that is so frustrating, and I’m hoping to give a few suggestions and send some love your way.
First off, I get feeling disappointed when things aren’t working, but totally don’t feel embarrassed. Sex and bodies are complicated and can be specific to each person, there is a learning curve with many a new partner and even yourself.
If your partner is understanding and comforting, I would hope they would want to help you out. I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt, and assume maybe they are waiting for you to ask or tell them what you need. That isn’t an obligation, and def. isn’t a you problem to say to any partner “hey, I’m struggling with this, can we try X thing?” And pleasure is a two way street, generally everyone involved should be getting some sense of pleasure out of things. Once again, giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, does he maybe not realize you are feeling alone and not satisfied during sex? If so, that could be a communication issue. If he does know and isn’t trying to work with you on feeling good, well, I wouldn’t think he’s a very sweet guy after all then. A good partner wants you to feel good too, and is willing to talk it out and try things.
Partner stuff aside, I totally get the struggling to orgasm, with a partner or alone, because of lack of focus/arousal. It’s tough! For me, a lot of that has been mental stuff I’ve had to work on. Putting too much pressure on myself to orgasm or have fun generally has the opposite effect. I’m a control freak, and it was def. keeping me from letting go for a long time when it came to sex. Just trying to remind myself to let go, not worry about outcomes, and stay in the moment, bringing myself back to that message, helped me work on that. Another thing that has helped? Switching things up! Whether that be a new toy, a new position, new porn. For example, at one point I kinda got stuck masturbating the same way and it just didn’t feel as effective anymore for me. Getting a new toy, changing positions (I never realized I always laid down the same way!) and watching porn that wasn’t my usual MO just really shocked my system in a good way.
Bodies change throughout life, and that connection we have with our own can morph and be less present and change, so give yourself some grace. And talk to your partner, it’s ok to say “I would like to try X things or X toys during sex,” and to tell them you are struggling some. No shame in that, and people generally want to help the ones they care about feel good.
Although I probably won’t have much helpful to say, I wanted to say that you’re not at all alone in this and don’t stress yourself out over the fact that something is off!
I personally struggle with intimacy as well. I have never been intimate in a relationship but I have had a couple casual experiences. Something I found that I did was that I always seemed to put a lot of pressure and expectations on sex. I always thought that everything had to be perfect and that it would be easy. Boy was I wrong! I got in my head about it all, I sadly never introduced toys or non latex condoms (I later found out that this made sex painful to me and thankfully non latex condoms exist!) I think part of it was also intense shyness and nervousness on my end, I’ve never really been intimate besides the two times I have been and during those times it was never someone that I felt 100% comfortable and confident in my own body to share an intimate moment with. I think even if I would have added my vibrator, it wouldn’t have changed how I felt because it was just a very off experience for me.
My suggestion is to not be too hard on yourself when the time comes. Let your mind and body feel free and don’t set expectations. Definitely try new things too! And be open and honest with your partner about how maybe you both can help you enjoy your experience more.