Advice for someone who is bad at masturbation

Hi ! I’m a 20something cis woman who is trying to dive back into masturbation during social distancing / quarantine. The problem is i’m not good at it?

I can’t please myself and often times just start and stop because I cant keep myself engaged. I’m very much into partnered play and I have some toys. am I not using the right tools? am I not watching enough porn?

I know this question is a bit weird but any feedback or even shared experiences would be great!!


No question is weird in terms of sex so don’t worry about that! I had the same problem. I found that what works best for me is imagination and reflection. I reflect back on experiences I’ve had in the past and I imagine how it made me feel and concentrate on the sensations. It helps to imagine them touching you and every minute detail to moans and even touches. Sometimes I would imitate them on my body.

Now! That being said, that’s my way of masturbation. Every body is different. You really have to analyze what you like. Try relaxing and experiment with your body. Really explore your body. Hone in on that energy. Through exploration cums discovery hehe


This isn’t weird at all! It took me So. Many. Years. To figure out how to pleasurably masturbate!!! Turns out I like very different things in masturbation compared to sex! When I masturbate, I find I don’t normally feel very aroused, however I do typically orgasm. On the flip side, I tend to have super high arousal levels during partnered sex, but I don’t typically orgasm (because I don’t feel the need to!). Maybe see if there’s anything you can mix up and experiment with? Can you try masturbating in a different environment (in the shower or bath, lights off/on, with candles or music, etc)? Any new ways you can use your toys, or new things you can try playing with?


I also like to imagine experiences I’ve had irl. I find that being in a dark space helps, so that I’m not tempted to open my eyes. Feeling comfortable helps as well, I get my pleasure from feeling safe. I sometimes find porn distracting- finding the right vids can be difficult and even off-putting. But maybe you’re not watching enough porn! It all depends on your body, and your personal desires.


Really good masturbation can be tough! Bodies are fickle and change too, it can be hard to navigate all of that, so just takes a lot of trial and error. Self quarantine is a great time to practice though :slight_smile:

A few initial questions for you would be what types of toys are using, and do you generally prefer external or internal stimulation? For masturbation for me, the type of toy is key. I only orgasm from my clit being stimulated, so although a dildo is nice to ride, I’m not going to cum unless I have something buzzing against my clit, ha.

If you’re into partnered play, do you have anyone to mutually masturbate with? Or can find a partner online? I used to really enjoy finding a person to get off with together and that always did the trick. Grinding against a vibrator while chatting online with someone about a fantasy would always get me off, especially so if I didn’t know them but found them in on online space. And when I dated someone long distance, phone sex was key for me. Video was great, but someone’s voice in my ear telling me what to do to myself was much more a turn on and kept me more engaged.

Also how do you masturbate? I used to be all business, ha, but noticed when I took the time to really delay touching my clit but touching the rest of my body, it really made things go a lot smoother when I finally did start playing with myself.


Hi Saturn!
Omg it does take awhile to figure out what works! I’m 45 and still working on it. Lube helps a lot. Its something I would have told my 18 yr old self. Fir everything solo or with partners. I like coconut oil. I actually prefer oils, they get less sticky and stay… helpful longer.
Toys… a must, for various reasons. Hitting the g-spot, for dual sensation: penetration and clitoral stimulation. You can be creative if broke or needing to be stealth, just be safe and kind to your body. A condom can create a dildo with sock stuffing, or keep a non-sex toy type object clean for use. A new toothbrush… the kind they make now with lots of silicon and tongue scraper bumps (they are soft) are good for clit sensations and added reach.
Two last things are imagination and movement. Neither have to be complex. Imagining someone you like penetrating you or doing something you like over and over can amplify a self pleasure. So does movement, even micro movements of hip thrusts can catch and amplify vibrator use.
Lastly. No guilt. Make your space safe and lock the door.
Have fun. What ever you learn about yourself will also be useful with partners.


YES LUBE!!! Oh man, wish I would have invested in good lube a lot earlier in life, ha.


I always carry lube around, along with my condoms, just in case an opportunity arises! Haha!


Yes! Nowadays we just buy the 1/2 gallon medical grade lube with a pump top. Its also really nice to be over the shame associated with…not being wet enough. God, where did that even come from!? Lame.


It’s so nice to see that I am not alone. And I love and am grateful for all the advice I see on this thread. I also have problems with masturbating, I used to grind against the side of my hand, (yes, it’s awkward but it works) but when I bought a bullet vibrator and a dildo, I found out that using both at the same time works for me.


I think something that i found really helps me is not having expectations of myself… I used to really struggle with getting myself worked up and then feeling stuck because I couldn’t cum or i got bored or my hand was hurting - even though I was still really aroused. It used to end up just making me feel a bit rubbish. Once I stopped thinking of there being an end point or of wanting a specific outcome (whatever it may be) I was able to really get into the moment with myself, and enjoy the sensations. This also meant that I started listening to my body a LOT more, like sometimes I don’t want any penetration and sometimes its the most important thing. I always listen to the signals of a partners body so I don’t know why I was ignoring the signals of my own…

basically there is no right or wrong was to masturbate, and there doesn’t have to be any specific outcome of it either :heart:


Shout it from the rooftops, @mayagryph!


Would also love to plug which did a lot of really amazing research about all the ways afab people can pleasure themselves and then created a guide.

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