Help a new guy out please!

Hello, and thank you for this resource!

I am in a ltr with a woman I love dearly. We are not super sexually compatible in general, but we do occasionally have some really good hot sex. What she wants is a dominant initiator who really takes control, maybe a little flogging,toy play, things like that. She describes it as kind of a “top” that is in tune with her and is caring and focused on her pleasure. I can play that role a bit, but it is harder than it seems. Balancing all that, probably thinking too much, and also having pleasure in that practice is challenging. I can do it, but if I do something that doesn’t “work” for her, I lose my energy playing the role and it is hard for us to keep on with the play.

She is definitely more into sex play and things like this. Does anyone have some recommendations on books or other resources for me to learn more tricks, and maybe some perspective from folks who may have experienced something like this?


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Hey jjww, welcome to the Forum!

So, it can be tricky figuring out your role in kink, whether it’s one you gravitate to or not. I’ll drop some books that we have below to check out, but the first thing I’m thinking to ask here is how is your communication? BDSM and kink in general is a lot of communication, a partner saying “i like when you are dominate and initiate” is great, but there is a lot more details and planning needed. Maybe you all have that, which is great, but just reading what you wrote I’m immediately asking “ok, what type of flogging? How soft or hard or what material? Where on your body do you want impact? What type of toy play? Do you want to be held down or tied down or restrained at all if dominated? Do you want me to say verbally dominating things?” I know it can be a lot of work, but knowing before you are in the moment specifically what someone wants, what toy they want used, where they want to be spank/tied/scratched/etc. is a game changer. So having those discussions and knowing specific details really helps!

Also there has to be some grace given, especially when you are starting out or trying something new. If something doesn’t work, that’s not a negative thing. Best thing in that moment is try and pivot, or better yet plan ahead and say “hey, when we do X, if that doesn’t work in the moment, what do you want me to do instead?” Prep makes it a lot easier to not get flustered if something doesn’t work out as you hope, and easier to brush on and keep going.

Also is this something you want to do as well? If it’s not your jam, that might be something to discuss as well. If it’s more just an unknown and you are open to it, having a more detailed discussion and plan and checking out some of the resources below will for sure help!

Here is a link to all of our BDSM books: BDSM Books | Spectrum Boutique

I would def. suggest checking out these ones first:

As Kinky As You Wanna Be (This is just a really great catchall primer): As Kinky As You Wanna Be | Spectrum Boutique

The Ultimate Guide to Kink (A huge history but def. worth reading for a fuller understanding of the vast kink community): The Ultimate Guide to Kink | Spectrum Boutique

The New Topping Book (You mentioned topping and this is a great book for that): The New Topping Book | Spectrum Boutique

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Wow, thanks for the prompt and thorough reply. We do have a really good relationship, with great communication. I appreciate your comments on those points. And I am game to try new things and see where it goes.

I think I will try a couple of books you recommend!