Safe "Rough/Agressive" Sex Resources

Hey there! My partner of 4 years and I have a lot of sexual compatibility, but recently had a discussion about her interested in exploring more rough/agressive sex which she has had with other partners in the past, and I simply have less experience with. I should say I am mostly a “dom” from a sexual energy perspective.

I have dabbled in light BDSM play (bondage, candles, etc.) as well as the standard spanking, etc. during sex,. I would like to know if there are more resources for someone who is a dom, but is looking for more guidence/instruction about how to take that to be more agressive/rough, but still safe. Things like this could include spanking, slapping, spitting, scratching, choking (or rather, safe alternatives), etc… I would also include “dirty talk” since that’s something that might go along with it.

Obviously “porn is a resouce”, but I find it difficult to tell the difference between helpful porn and porn that actually isn’t a good representation of what someone would actually want or is sustainable for a relationship.

Looking for suggestions on books, sex therapists/workshops, IG accounts, websites, podcasts, anything. I am usually good with instruction and my partner seems very interested in us working on this together, but I have to take the lead here :slight_smile:

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Hey jam! I love this post so much, all about wanting to get educated and fully invested in exploring new fun with your partner!

So, I’ve got a wealth of info, haha, sorry if it’s a bit overload! But I’ve got a few books I’d suggest, some articles from Journal, and then some good folks on social to check out!


-The Ultimate Guide to Kink. When they say ultimate, it truly is the massive book of everything kink. If you want a catch-all book, this is a great one to study.

-Topping. You mentioned being more dom in your sexual energy. This is a great book to learn how to lean in and channel that part of you.

-As Kinky as You Wanna Be. Another great book that dives into finding out what types of kinks you fancy, along with just some great practical info.

-Playing Well With Others. If you are wanting to get more active in the kink culture and community as a whole, this a great book to start with if that is your jam!

-Wild Side Sex: The Book of Kink. I’m bias because Midori is one of my favorite sex educators, ha. If you are wanting to explore rope play, Midori’s work in general is a must.

BDSM Articles to Read:

-How to Engage in BDSM More Safely & Ethically as a Newbie. This is an awesome newbie guide, written by the amazing Venus Cuffs, who I’d def. follow on Instagram as well. We also did a really great chat with Venus and Zoe from Spectrum Boutique and they discuss BDSM during it, def. worth a watch too.

-Floggers and Whips Oh My! Another great Midori watch!

-Intimacy Coordination. So, this is a really interesting read on being an intimacy coordinator for film and television, but it dives into so many aspects of BDSM, so much about consent and communication. It’s a really great read.

-Submissive Feminist also has a ton of reviews of kink toys to check out.

Folks to Follow:

-Tina Horn is a BDSM educator and she wrote the piece about intimacy coordination that I linked above.

-Jet Setting Jasmine and King Noire. These two are awesome. A must follow.

-Luna Matatas. Luna is an awesome educator (and the OG originator of Peg the Patriarchy) and she does a really great ongoing series on Race and Kink.

-Carly! She’s the best, you probably have seen her Q&As on our Spectrum Instagram and answering questions here. Follow her on IG and check out her blog too.

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Also as far as porn goes, I find a lot of queer porn like Crash Pad really emphasizes communication and care, and shows a real connection during sex. A lot of the more indie porn producers I feel hit a more realistic note than a lot of mainstream porn.

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Thanks so much for the resources and list @LisaW. I ordered the book on topping (as well as another one and some more lube (can’t ever have too much of that) to make the shipping cost worth it :joy: ), and will check out the other resources you’ve linked too. Much appreciated.

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You’re welcome! And agree, lube is one of those can never have too much of a good thing, haha.