Having sex as an insecure enby— and what to do with the “other” genitals

1

hi all! I was hoping for maybe some guidance and support.

I’m a nonbinary person. I have a penis but I’m rather femme and, well. Cis ladies can spook me cause there are many social scripts there that put pressure on how to ask. Gay men can spook me because of some personal trauma. As a result, I mainly sleep with trans and queer folks— lately a lot of lesbians. Oh jeez, where do I even begin?

I think part of my problem, is this. I’m dating someone who identifies as a lesbian. I’ve known them for years and knew them through their “coming out” and shift from mainly sleeping with penis-havers to mainly sleeping with not! I’m really proud of them and I love them dearly, but sometimes they talk about their sexuality in a way that makes me feel dysphoric and excluded and insecure. There’s this whole mythos that lesbians will always and in all cases be better at sex than anyone with a penis. One time we were having sex, I was giving them head, and I couldnt get them off. They said, very sweetly, “oh it’s so ok! you have different equipment down there!” The impulse was sweet. But I found myself wounded by this. Does the fact that I have different equipment mean I’ll always be inferior to their same sex partners? As a trans person, this feels really scary sometimes, like all that bigoted “but you’ll never be a REAL woman” talk is real and believed by not only other queers, but in part, my partner.

I’m mainly concerned because my jealous-mixed-with-dysphoria has the potential to affect our relationship. We’re poly, and mostly happily so! But sometimes they’ll be dating an afab person and I’ll get stuck with that nasty, painful jealousy— the image of someone pleasing them in ways that I will never be able to. I’m not sure how to untangle that. Furthermore, my partner is on many mental health meds and therefore sometimes cannot cum, even when masturbating alone. Still, sometimes when that happens while we’re together, that little voice pops up in my head…

How can I redirect this voice? How can I unentangle my own gender issues from my sexual insecurities? I’ve talked about this with my partner, but I’m scared to let them know the full extent of it, because I never want them to feel pressured to cum or to feel guilty for dating others!

Ah. I know that’s a lot. I have many more thoughts, but I guess it’s time to take a deep breath. Any guidance here would be very appreciated :slight_smile:

1 Like
2

Hi Bluejay, welcome to the forum!

A deep breath is always a good place to start :slight_smile: But also kudos to you for even wanting to acknowledge and work on these things, that’s more than a lot of folks do. So give yourself credit for that!

I just want to start with this line first:
“Does the fact that I have different equipment mean I’ll always be inferior to their same sex partners?”

I know I can’t negate the voice in your head (I for sure have some of those with body stuff that never goes away, just gets a bit less loud), but, as a queer cisgender woman, from my experience I promise you that isn’t true at all. I’ve had good and bad folks with all sorts of equipment. The equipment, while fun and helpful, isn’t what really matters. It’s how attentive a person is, how communicative they are, how responsive they are. My partner has different equipment than I do, but he’s the best sex I’ve had because he is so attentive and caters to what my body likes the most. And people with the same equipment as me have totally sucked at doing that in the past. So you are def. not inferior.

I hate that you or any other rad trans people have to live with that fear of feeling like you have to be a real woman or man, whatever that means in our complicated society in general but esp. in lgbtq+ spaces. Fuck the binary! But also I completely understand how much even our own community fails at not being so toxic and the work there is to do. It’s beyond frustrating.

I totally get how tough it is dealing with yourself and jealousy and dysphoria. Not that my experience is the same at all, but as a fat queer woman with a longterm partner that is a bi cis man, I’ve had so many feelings of jealousy come up, a lot around not being “womanly” (ugh) enough but then also not being able to “satisfy” him the way another man can. For me, it’s been therapy and learning how to confront that voice that pops up with what I call wise mind. When I feel that way or those feelings come up, wise mind has to step in and go “hey, that’s a judgement you are having, why do you feel that way? Is this a truth you know from talking to your partner?” It’s a lot of talking myself down off a ledge essentially, which I’m used to doing (yay anxiety and an eating disorder!) but isn’t fun. That said, it does get easier with time, and like I mentioned, the voice won’t always go away, but when it pops up now, it’s a lot less loud, it doesn’t stick around as long as it used to, it’s easier to dismiss. So a lot of the work is just catching yourself when you have these thoughts or feelings (they are so easy to miss sometimes), and then making an effort to stop and confront and process them in that moment. Or if you don’t catch them in the moment, having awareness and processing after they pass.

Also I know you are scared, but for sure talk to your partner. It sounds like you have an open and honest relationship, and that both of you are honest and open with each other. As an afab person that struggles to cum sometimes (it’s tough and sometimes bodies are just like NOPE), I know my partner never wants me to feel pressured to cum, but it’s always nice to hear it from time to time and be reassured. And I also think they will understand if you say to them “hey, I know you phrased this statement about different equipment to make me feel better in the moment, I get where the instinct and care came from, but actually it didn’t make me feel great, so if something happens again could you say X instead?” It sounds like your partner cares a lot about you, and if anyone I sleep with said this and advocated for themselces I wouldn’t be upset, I’d want to do whatever I can to make them feel inclusive and empowered, even (and especially) in those intimate moments where things go awry.

Sorry for the long post but hope something in here resonates!

1 Like
3

bluejay,

I think it is amazing that you are regarding your experience with such importance and thoughtfulness! Your dilemma definitely sounds like it is difficult to navigate and given the varying gender and sexual identities involved, acknowledging and respecting everyone can be very tricky!

It sounds as if you are relatively comfortable in your sexuality and gender representation, though there are external factors that make it a bit more difficult to navigate relationships when your identity becomes more salient to others. It can definitely be hard to find partners who are truly and fully accepting of our sexual and gender identities because sometimes what people say they are okay with does not always align with their behavior. I think in that instance it would work best to be as forthright as possible about your intentions, desires, and behaviors with your partners. Make a note to share both of your expectations in the relationship (gendered or not) and identify what aspects either of you will not be able to accommodate or are willing to try to accommodate. Finding out whether you have a compatible relationship with someone is mostly a trial and error experience no matter how thorough you are with them in the initial stages of the relationship.

As for the gender dysphoria you are experiencing with your current lesbian partner, I think it is imperative to express to them how you feel when they make comments about you “having different parts” and thus being unable to fully understand how to please someone with different genitalia. No matter how well-intentioned people may be, sometimes highlighting the ways in which they are contributing to your jealousy or feelings of inferiority can help them to be more sensitive to your experience.

Who knows, maybe if you highlight to your partner that your ability to help them orgasm is an area of insecurity and that you desire to get better at the task, they may be willing to teach you. Such a conversation and educating experience could help you gain the skills you need to feel competent in pleasing your partner. However, there is always the chance that there are psychological factors of your partner’s attraction that make it more difficult for them to fully experience orgasm with someone who has different genitalia— but that doesn’t mean they appreciate their intimate experiences with you any less. An example could be a cis-man orgasming from being pegged with a sex toy by a woman or a femme-representing person, but they may not be able to orgasm when having sex with another cis-man but still enjoy the feeling of being penetrated. There could just be some factor that impacts their psychological arousal enough to inhibit orgasm in some instances or incite orgasm in others.

Personal insecurities and fears of replacement can be huge factors of jealousy in relationships. I think that keeping your thoughts to yourself on your feelings of dysphoria and sexual incompetence will only perpetuate the voice of jealousy in your mind. If you choose to approach your partner(s) about your feelings, I would definitely recommend approaching them from a place of love and compassion so they do not feel your jealousy is present to inhibit or control them. However, it would be advisable to have some sort of conversation about what is going through your mind because holding onto such feelings can eventually lead to resentment and hatred. If your partner(s) truly value your relationship and your desires, they will be willing to hear you out even if the conversation is hard and takes some time to progress through.

As for disentangling your gendered experiences from your sexual experiences, I can’t really say that it is possible. Your sexuality and sexual desires are almost always tied to your experience with your gender identity and vice versa. To remove your gender identity from the equation within your sexual experiences with partners would likely increase your feelings of dysphoria because then you wouldn’t be able to be true to yourself.

Consider what it is that is so appealing about removing your gendered experience as a nonbinary person from your sex life. Would it make it easier to not have your gender expression be recognized at all? If you didn’t bring your own gender identity to the table in your sexual relations, it could possibly bring on even stronger feelings of dysphoria since people would try to push their own gendered expectations of you during sex without any input from you. Would ignoring or invalidating your gendered (nonbinary) experience truly benefit the way you view yourself in your sexual interactions with others?

It may be best to face your jealousy, fears, and feelings of dysphoria head on preferably with support from those closest to you because holding those thoughts inside could just result in you feeling caught in a never-ending spiral of negative thoughts.

I wish you the best!

2 Likes