Frustrations with sex

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The title says it all :frowning: I’m 24 years old and I’ve only ever been intimate with two people in my life. I’ve recently had protected sex with someone new that I’ve been talking to for about a month now. I just don’t know what it is that I can’t bring myself to enjoy sex with a partner compared to solo masturbation. It was our first time, he hadn’t been intimate in 3 months whereas I haven’t been intimate in 3 years. I don’t know if maybe my nerves kicked in because I was stressed about a lot of things.

Weeks before having sex we had a serious discussion about what we wanted from each other. I was really upset to find out that he only wanted a Friends with Benefits because he doesn’t feel he’s in a good place mentally and in his life to commit to a long-term relationship. I definitely wanted to be in a relationship and I guess maybe it was my fault we hadn’t cleared it up beforehand but I was so devastated. Online dating hasn’t brought me so much luck and for awhile I thought “maybe this is it, he seems to genuinely like me and maybe I’m getting a chance to express my love to another being without having been expecting to date anyone.” I felt so upset, I just felt numb because I’ve been a mess since this pandemic started. I feel more sensitive and emotional and cry more often. A day after the confrontation that broke me down, I gave up with the idea of looking for love and decided to do the fwb with him because I have my sexual needs too.

About two days after our decision, we had brought back and discussed the serious convo again to clear things up even more and he apologized for it and told me that he wasn’t in the right mind so that was why it went down so fast. Then later on I find out from him that in some ways I’m starting to mean something to him because he has tried casually dating other girls but none of them have peaked his interest like I have. I refuse to allow myself to get my hopes up so I’ve been trying to keep a barrier around myself. He has hinted that maybe sometime from now we might be something more, but I don’t want to believe that. I don’t want to think that we’re getting somewhere only to then be forgotten about because he found someone better.

Fast forward to this week, I’ve been growing more comfortable talking to him again after all that had happened. I was feeling like my old self with him and I noticed he’s been doing his best to be affectionate with me, attentive with me, and show that he cares. Sometimes I found myself quickly putting a wall up, sometimes I found myself making stairs to climb back out to him.

Last night we had sex, I did my best to be as chill as possible but part of me was stressed about my family hearing us and part of me was nervous because it’s been a long time since I’ve been intimate, I’m still a newbie at sex and it’s taken me this long to understand my body and what I like and don’t like with solo masturbation along with what makes me climax. We are both very sexually driven people, we have high sex drives so we easily match each other with that. But because he’s not used to being alone for that long he quickly came three times. The last two were penetration, he came within minutes the first time (I did my best to not make him feel awful about it) and the second lasted longer but still quick. The problem is is that during those two times I felt nothing. He’d do his movements and I’d do mine but I didn’t feel anything fun and nice down there like I normally do with dildos. We did two positions and I thought maybe I’d like the cowgirl position more, maybe I’m still learning how to have sex and learning to use my body to move well enough, but I felt nothing down there. I just felt like I had to get the job done so he could finish. What really gets me going too is nipple play and he did know this and he did grab my nipples but it hurt sometimes more than it felt pleasurable. Am I having trouble communicating? Am I still holding up a barrier so that’s why I’m not allowing myself to enjoy it? Should I have brought in a vibrator to help myself get more in the mood? Should I have brought out my lube to make it feel better? What am I doing wrong? I have not once orgasmed with a partner and I’m so frustrated by my body. Because I want to feel good during sex and I want my partner to feel good about what they’re doing back to me.

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Oh man, I’m sorry you are feeling all these feels, fallingover. Frustration with sex is so…frustrating. Finding a groove with someone can take time, it’s already hard enough to find what you like with your own body, then introduce a new person into a scenario and it’s tricky!

So, first off, cut yourself some slack because this year? EVERYTHING is tougher! Especially intimacy with a new partner, I know a lot of friends struggling with this. There are just so many more emotions and thoughts running through our brains right now with everything going on, it’s no surprise pretty much everyone I know (myself included) is oscillating between very hyper sensitive and totally numb.

Also, and I mean this in the most loving way, cut yourself some slack because you’re only 24. When I was 24, I was having sex with the wrong people for the wrong reasons and not voicing what I needed. I know, it sucks, but I’m 34 now and honestly it took a lot of self love, time, and trial and error to get to a better place sexually. And I’m still learning. But I get why many people have better sex later in life because really it is something that you can learn and improve over time usually. I wish someone would have said that to me when I was your age, to me it would have taken a bit of the pressure I was putting on myself to perform off my shoulders.

Over the years, and with multiple partners including my longterm one now, a lot of what makes sex great boils down to communication. Both before and after. I dated on and off for 10 years a person that wouldn’t commit to me fully, we drifted in and out of dating and hooking up, and I think it def. changed how I felt about them sexually because we couldn’t really communicate well what we both truly wanted. I know now that with this person, I wanted something more and because of that it wasn’t just sex for me and so the sex wasn’t as satisfying knowing that. Which sucked, but hey, the heart wants what the heart wants sometimes. If we would have been more clear (or at least clear that we both weren’t sure what we wanted) it would have saved us a lot of time and heartache.

As for overall sexual compatibility, could be a bunch of different things that makes it not click. I’m assuming you have a vagina (apologies if not) but do you orgasm vaginally? While penetrative sex feels great, I can’t cum without clitoral stimulation, and I have to vocalize that to a partner. And I like nipple play too, but I def. have to be vocal about what type of movement and pressure. And to me if someone cums quickly oh well, we just can do other stuff, but I know a lot of people can feel self conscious about that. And when a partner feels that way, it def. throws off the rhythm of things. Sometimes toys help, sometimes lube helps, sometimes I’m just not going to orgasm and that’s ok too. There can be a variety of reasons why sometimes it just isn’t happening.

If nothing else I’ve learned, it’s that there is no one answer when it comes to dealing with sexual frustration, and something that might have never been an issue before can suddenly arise. Because bodies are finicky like that, ha. And that is why communication key. Ideally you’re with a partner that you can set down and say “hey, this wasn’t working last time for me, can we try this?” and they’ll be game. Or tell them “I want to show you what makes me feel good” and show them. Every body is different, and the best sex I’ve found is when you tell someone else what your body needs or vocalize when something isn’t working for your body.

Sometimes it’s just trial and error and keep communicating with someone what you need about what is and isn’t working.

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Thank you so much for the response! I was feeling so overwhelmed the day after having sex but I feel better now especially after he’s told me to not be so hard on myself. He’s willing to be patient and communicate with me so I’m glad about that. It makes me comfortable to try and express myself more with him.

And yes! I do have a vagina lol, I’ve never orgasmed with just penetration, it’s usually a combo of using a vibrator and penetration or just a vibrator on my clit. It does feel wonderful with vibrators but I guess I wasn’t feeling turned on enough before we started going at it plus maybe it wasn’t at the best angle for me plus the nerves and stress to perform. Just too much at once! But thank you for the advice, I’ll learn to cut myself some slack and just go with the flow of what we both can do to make it better for both of us.

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So glad you are feeling better and also he’s open to communicating! It really is key.

Yeah, I’ve tried and my body is just not going to cum with penetration only, which is super common so NBD. Always have to be a combo or honestly most of the time I just take turns and let someone cum before or after I do, because if I’m being really honest I’d rather someone just go down on me, lol. Like cool, we can have penetrative sex and it’s fun but by far if you want to really win me over, just head on down, ha! And angles def. can throw it off. Like you mentioned cowgirl and although I do enjoy the dynamic of that position and riding someone is fun, for me it does nothing really for me. Once again, just trying new positions and seeing what works.

I would suggest maybe bringing a wand vibrator or even a wearable into the equation too to play with. Personally with my size and angles I don’t find much success with cock rings with vibes in them, but can’t recommend enough a wand! Especially one that is longer and has a handle to grip easily, like the We-Vibe (https://spectrumboutique.com/we-vibe-wand-silicone-rechargeable-waterproof-massager.html). Either using it on your clit (I enjoy this if I’m on my back and partner is on top) or having a partner use it on you (cowgirl is great for this but my favorite is someone using it while they fuck you from behind) is awesome and def. helps get me there!

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