I recently was talking with my boyfriend about porn, which is something we both watch and are both totally ok with each other watching. The thing is I thought I had a kind of rough Idea of ‘his type’ or preferences when it comes to porn, as it was something that we had talked about a lot before becoming a couple. (we had a strictly sexual and open relationship for a year before becoming a monogamous couple in a romantic relationship for about 2 years now). Recently he has been interested in anal sex, which is something I had never really done before, but he and I have done a lot of anal play, which we both enjoy, so we then decided to just go ahead and try anal intercourse when I was ready because its something we both wanted to try. When trying it with proper lube and everything, I found it to be still really painful for me, which was to be expected, so we are taking it slow. The only kind of issue I’m having is that I recently found out that he has been watching a lot (a lot) of strictly anal porn, and it’s making me feel like I’m not pleasing him during sex by not being able to go all the way with the anal thing yet, and I feel rushed. This is weird for me because I never really have felt this way about sex, I’m usually always very straightforward and honest about how I feel about a certain thing we’re trying, but for some reason, this particular thing combined with knowing all the porn he’s watching is anal porn is not really sitting right with me and causing a bit of anxiety for me during sex. I guess I just need some kind of advice on how I should deal with that, or if anyone has had any kind of experience similar to this and would like to share that would be great too. I just want to figure out if there’s a way to navigate through this in a way that feels comfortable to me while also being confident that I am still enough for him during sex.
First of all, good for you for being able to openly communicate your needs in relation to sex! Already having those communication skills can actually make situations like this a lot more feasible, but of course it is completely normal to have communication skills and still experience uncertainty and anxiety when it comes to circumstances of this nature (that’s a part of being human haha). You stated that it was more you who felt rushed from your own mental judgments about the situation, and not due to your partner vocalizing his frustrations or impatience with you. As someone that tends to put a lot of pressure on themselves, especially in the realm of sexual activities, I can empathize with the inner struggle you are facing. I think it is important to acknowledge that having a partner that is interested or very interested in a specific type of porn does not necessarily mean that they are “expecting” the exact same performance. I don’t know what porn sites you watch, but if it is more “mainstream porn” then more than likely the performance is pretty damn unrealistic. I think it is important to keep in mind that just like The Bachelor/Bachelorette is not an accurate representation of love and relationships, mainstream porn (PornHub, XHamster, youporn, etc) is NOT an accurate representation of sex and sexual functions. Porn is ENTERTAINMENT, not real life. So I think that your partner’s fascination with anal sex does not mean that he is expecting those unrealistic performances with you, kind of like wham-bam-the penis is in the butt lol. Anal takes a LOT of patience and preparation, and mainstream porn does not show those steps that are taken in order to do those rigorous anal scenes beforehand. You and your partner are always going to have realistic sex, if that makes sense. Realistic sex requires patience, communication, and lots and lots of lube. I hope this helps you 
Thank you so much for this response, It definitely helps a lot to hear from someone else and also be reminded that porn, (especially the kind my boyfriend watches, which is absolutely “mainstream porn”) is really just for entertainment purposes, and isn’t something that he really expects sex to be. Thank you again, I really enjoyed reading your response and I definitely needed that reminder. <3
Hey lanalily, welcome to the Forum!
Porn can get in our head, in more than one ways, but my first suggestion/question is, have you talked to your partner about how you feel about this? Have they been actually rushing you at all, or are you feeling rushed because of finding out about the porn they’re watching? Because there is a difference there, and if they’re actually rushing you that’s not ok at all and that would be a different conversation to be had.
That said, I would def. suggest talking to your partner about how this makes you feel. Porn is fantasy for a lot of folks, but it can totally affect how we feel if our partner has a specific preference, and it’s something to discuss. The porn I typically watch isn’t at all what my partner is, and isn’t something he can give me, but it’s just fantasy for me, and he knows that. Just having that communication about it, and that reaffirmation that yup, this is just fantasy and doesn’t affect what we do together, I think is a great experience to have with a partner.
Hi! thank you so much for the response. My partner has never made me feel rushed about it, which you’re definitely right, if he did that would definitely be a whole different conversation haha! I just have been feeling rushed after figuring out the kind of porn he watches (especially since it is much much different than the porn I watch), which I really get in my head about. Since posting to the forum I’ve had a lot more confidence to just tell him what’s been going on and how I’ve been feeling, and we had a great and productive conversation about the whole thing, which has really eased my mind a lot! You’re definitely right, in that it was a really nice experience to be able to be so transparent about my feelings, and then hearing that reaffirmation that he understands we need to take it slow. I feel so much better about the whole thing, and that forward communication is something I am going to have to remember I am capable of because it was so helpful!
Awesome! I’m so glad you all chatted and it was such a positive experience!