Hej there,
Since I really enjoy reading here, it seems, like this is the right place for me to come clean about a topic which drives me nuts!
Porn in a relationship and why it suddendly is weird for me, knowing when he is getting off by himself.
But first things first:
Me and my man are in a relationship for a couple of years now. We’re living together and since we are engaged and plan to have kids and stuff, it all looks like we kinda keep it that way.
We live in a monogamous relationship, which is important to say, because before him, I was a playfull, bisexual and active non monogamous person. And then I met him and from this day on it was only him I truly desired and wanted. We talked a lot about my non monogamous and polyamorous time before him, so he knows my state of mind about this topic. He knows how open I am when it comes to any topic about sexuallity and relationship, love and stuff. Talking about it was at this point new to him, since he never talked that openly about all these juicy stuff with friends or lovers before me.
We also talk about pornography and what kind of porn we like to watch or what kind of stuff we fantasize about.
We talk about masturbation and how I difference it in quick jerking of and loving myself. While he is more the quick jerking of kinda guy.
And here comes the tricky part.
Since a year or so I kinda struggle with the idea or knowledge of him watching porn. It is not like I show it to him, but it tears me apart inside. Which is so so weird for me.
We talked about it, after I felt so ashamed for myself having these kind of jealousy feelings. Like I really don’t want to feel that way and don’t want him to do it in secret but I can’t get rid of these feelings coming up. And since I myself watch porn on a regular basis (sometimes once a day specally when I’m pms-ing) it seems not fair at all to continue feeling that way!
For him, it is absolutly fine if I’m watching porn or am masturbating. Sometimes when my sex drive is higher than his, he encourages me to go and enjoy myself. But most of the time he don’t know how often or when I masturbate. Simply because he is at work or out of the house.
So why oh why is it so hard for me to simply embrace and encourage him to take care of himself?!
What is there for me to be jealous about? It is so not fair for me feeling that way.
How do you handle porn in a relationship, specially if your living together and specially in times like these with a pandemic going strong out there.
I’m looking forward to read your recommandations and thoughts and feelings about this topic and or my story.
Have the two of you tried watching porn and mutually masturbating while together? I’m not sure if there’s a perfect solution to this dilemma, but talking about it and trying something like this out may be the way to go to work through what’s bothering you.
So, I relate to this a lot! I have such progressive views, and am all about porn and masturbation and even watching porn together with my partner, but I still get mixed up feelings when it comes to talking about solo play with my partner and porn. And I’ve gotten feelings of jealousy, even though I watch porn and get off! For me personally, I’ve chalked a lot of it up to two things: 1. porn brings up body insecurity issues for me. Even though my partner loves me as I am, I start to think “what is he watching, is that what he wants? He’s going to eventually want that and leave” and other shitty thoughts that I don’t really believe but that part of my brain still says it, and I get in my head about it. Even though I know it’s not the case at all, those thoughts are still there for me, and they creep up from time to time. and 2. I grew up with porn being such a taboo thing, that I still have some secrecy and guilt around it. I def. still feel some guilt after watching it, even though I know it’s ok! It’s just like muscle memory for me. So a lot of my feelings with this stuff I try and mitigate by talking out my feelings and why I feel the way that I do, and recognizing that a lot of the things causing me anxiety or emotion around porn, both with myself and my partner, has to do with those old engrained values I was taught, and the negative body image I had growing up. I think masturbation is something that feels very vulnerable to me, it’s the first time I acknowledge my body and also felt shame about my body (sad, but common in our society,) so it brings up a lot of vulnerable emotions that I might not still hold true but are a part of who I used to be. Just acknowledging those feelings, and acknowledging that those things aren’t what I believe in anymore, helps me let those feelings go.
Also personally, although I enjoy watching porn with my partner sometimes, for me porn is something so personal. It’s mine. I like it that way, and I like specific porn when I’m just getting off alone. So I keep it separated because it’s just my preference. Some things are ok to keep for yourself, and my partner gets that and we just do our own thing on our own time. Which works for us. I generally wait until they leave and I’m alone, or in the shower, but I’ve also just gone into our bedroom, closed the door, turned on some music and let them know I want some time to myself. Just being candid and advocating for time to myself has been key.