Failed attempts for masturbation and coping with loss of libido

hi, this is my first time reaching out on any kind of forum and i’m a little nervous (!) but i’ve been reading through this forum and found such a nurturing community so this is my first attempt on opening up with this confusing struggle i’ve been going through for a while

anyone who would like to converse on topics like:

  • sudden loss of libido that triggers loosing sense of own sexual self (feeling something like dissociation)
  • inexistent but deeply desired space to bond with self through masturbation (i’ve tried and can never reach orgasm)
  • breaking down mental barriers of self hate in order to sexually self love (along the realms of body dysmorphia)




First and foremost: I can relate. I’m sure I haven’t had an identical experience to yourself, but I am REALLY struggling lately too. In my case it was brought on by taking SSRIs following a massive mental breakdown last Summer that lead to a few hospital visits, a lot of experimenting with treatment, and a few new OCD habits and anxiety trends, and it’s lead to severe hyperfixation on my sexuality as a whole (hence I too have been lurking this forum until recently), a deep and troubling feeling of disconnect (I feel like sexual dissociation is a REALLY accurate term!) and general distress. It really, really, really sucks.

In addition to a very sudden loss of sexual sensation and a change in libido due to my medication and ongoing mental health issues, I’ve ALWAYS had a lot of hesitation and anxiety surrounding myself as a sexual being. I’m asexual/demisexual but even that’s beside the point. I can still hardly stand to let my loving partner of 15 years see me naked or touch me directly, and it’s something I’ve only recently considered ACTUALLY working on. This after a lifetime of masturbating on my own and feeling so guilty and ashamed about it. This is the year I’m changing that for myself, so I’ve been studying and consulting and going to therapy and ALL THAT FUN STUFF c:

I’m far from an expert and can only go off of everything I’ve learned and put in a blender for myself to knock back: No matter how hormones changed in your body, in order to kind of “cleanse” yourself of the frustration and hatred you need to start by expressing some kindness to yourself, even if it feels like you’re faking it on the outside.

What about yourself and the world around you have you truly explored lately? Forgetting the climax itself, what ways have you found to treat your body to a little TLC? I’m not just talking about facemasks and drinking water. Are you freeing yourself to safely explore your sexual interests, desires or possible kinks? If there’s a voice inside your head telling you to tone it down or to avoid certain things/temptations, what would you say to that voice if you heard it saying the same things to someone you cared about? No matter what is being held back and how, consider daring yourself to silence it and allow yourself to explore. Getting there is about so much more than just connecting rod A to slot B and waiting for the magic to happen.

As far as your issues with self-hate and addressing the need for self-love in a physical, mental and sexual sense, this is going to vastly depend on how you’ve come to this point, and truly confronting it may mean needing to take a few hundred steps back and retraining your mind. Have you heard of CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy)? This is the tried and true method of gently correcting your thinking outside of the realms of blame, unkindness and shaming. But this is not a process that you can complete overnight. I’m still undergoing therapy and I can only say I’ve come a few steps ahead of myself.

Remember that masturbation’s key goal is NOT just to reach orgasm, and keep in mind that some orgasms can take a VERY long time to reach - I’m talking days or more of practicing a slow full-body release of tension and mental anxiety (never ever ever underestimate the power of the mind-to-body link, it’s SO real - anxiety, depression and unaddressed neurodivergent roadblocks can make it very hard to truly relax, let alone enough to orgasm).

Occasionally yourself that your sensuality and beauty is not reliant on your ability to reach orgasm. You have a body that, by design, defeats MANY odds on its own, and it is capable of returning pleasure and satisfaction to you in many ways.

I really hope you can find what you’re looking for. I know this sort of thing can be so upsetting, distracting and worrisome. If what I wrote above is too long to read, do yourself one kindness: try not to dwell on what your body isn’t doing and focus instead on what it can do. Thoroughly the heat of the water in the shower or bath, focus deeply on what feels good when it is touched and how it connects to other things or thoughts, and don’t be afraid to seek new heights and curiosities. As long as it is centered around at least 1 consenting adult (and this 1 adult can be yourself), let the stars be your limit.

Good luck with this! I’m here to vent if need be!

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Hello, fluxingsensuality! Welcome to the forum, first and foremost :slightly_smiling_face: we are all happy to have you here! As someone that has experienced sexual trauma, I completely understand that feeling of sexual dissociation and even self-hate when it comes to masturbation and self-pleasure. I think one of the most essential things to remind yourself is to NOT put any pressure on yourself to perform or even feel a certain way when trying to masturbate. Taking things slow and just doing the bare minimum to make yourself feel good without the goal of reaching orgasm can actually help perpetuate this idea of enjoying the journey, if you will. Fixating on the goal of orgasm will only make it more elusive and harder to reach. Along with this, focusing more on responsive desire (i.e. guiding soft attention to the way your body reacts whenever you touch yourself in sensual ways) rather than “waiting” for yourself to get horny can actually help you gain more appreciation for what your body can do rather than how your body looks. Your body is an amazing vessel that is capable of so, so much pleasure! No matter what your body looks like, it will always be capable of experiencing pleasure :heavy_heart_exclamation: I hope this helps :pray:

Also, invest in some high quality lubricant or even a high quality toy from Spectrum Boutique! Hands aren’t always your best tool when it comes to masturbation (they get tired, don’t vibrate, etc) and sometimes that can make it harder to reach orgasm. I know I have a lot harder time reaching orgasm when using my hands but with my toys its more quick. Even if you don’t want a toy, using lube can reaaalllyy enhance sensations and allow more frictionless, painless play :innocent:

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Hello and Welcome - I’m a new person here too.
I don’t know what to say that would give you a cure all.
If I were you - I would spend some time alone. Maybe try meditation. Letting go of bad things is not easy. Alone time helps. I don’t know your living situation, but try to just get it touch with your body. Showers, baths, sleeping nude. Stuff like that can be a big plus for your self esteem.


hi hello, thanks for the feedback. i find sleeping nude helps me feel a deeper self connection. not the cure but definitely a habit that heals over time. :sunrise_over_mountains:

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Hello There
Sorry; It’s been a while since I’ve been here. I do hope all is well with you. I also hope, that you have found that hidden treasure, that is inside of you.
I read your last post about sleeping nude. That can be a plus.
A male can have an orgasm in a matter of seconds. While a female takes longer. Losing your libido in the middle of excitement can be frustrating. Thoughts of the day, or a person, can easily be distracting.
You can always work up to an orgasm while fully clothed. It’s just a matter of where you are, and what you’re doing. Whether your male or female. Sometimes; You will have an orgasm, and never know it. I can certainly attest for that. That big “O Wow”, isn’t always there. If you take meds for anything, that can be the cause of no orgasm.
Just think about everything, and figure things out. Only you can feel your body out. There is always help for you, but laying there in bed. It’s you and your partner.

So glad that has helped you find a deeper connection! I def. notice just being around your body naked helps you get more comfortable and find body neutrality with yourself.