A Sexual Community

Hey! I know this is a similar topic to another thread about the SexEd Community, but I think it’s different enough that I don’t feel too bad making a new topic.

A bit of background: I was in a student burlesque show my final year of college, and found I really loved the “sexy” parties that ended up happening after the show closed. I enjoyed being in a casual setting with a reasonably large group of people I liked and trusted, and getting to be pretty slutty without feeling ashamed. I got to play spin-the-bottle like a middle schooler, give lap dances, make out on couches, and hook up with people without feeling judged or pressured. I even had my first threesome – only after we sat down together in an empty room and hashed out all our expectations and boundaries. It was a good place for me to learn about my own limits and desires, and I want to find something like that again.

Here’s my hangup: the only things I can think of are sex clubs where you have to pay to get in, and sex/kink parties. The sex club idea sounds pretty unappealing, since a) I am a poor recent grad, and b) unless they are explicitly queer-friendly, I’m not super comfy going in. Kink parties would be very dicey for me – I have some trauma around things like spanking (without being asked, at least), and literally the very idea of humiliation/degradation, pain, and hardcore domination makes me want to cry. I have no judgement around these things, I just know they are definitely not for me at this moment in time. I once had a panic attack backstage at one of the burlesque shows because someone brought out a paddle and people were getting spanked :frowning_face:. So, if I were to attend a sex party or something similar, I would need a very clear separation between certain activities.

I’m wondering if anyone has had a similar experience with seeking out a sexy community, and how they might have gone about it. Are there queer-run or queer-friendly sex clubs? Are there sex parties that don’t necessarily center fetish and kink? Did you find a place to explore more organically (i.e. through an otherwise nonsexual group of people who just happened to be slutty)?



Hello! I have yet to look into queer-friendly spaces but of the BDSM places I’ve looked into I’ve noticed a few distinctions that set them apart from others.

  1. The owners are actively involved in the actions of the club so they are aware of all activities and can best guide you to find the groups/locations you want to be in.
  1. The owners and advocates of the club don’t tolerate coercive behaviors and enforce rules where you either abide by consensual practices or you are banned.

Though some activities are on display for public viewing, no one is coerced into engaging, whether as an audience goer or member of the activities. (I would imagine the public display of some activities [spanking, as you have stated] could be triggering for you, but it would be best to communicate with the owners before hand to get information on how to avoid such triggers and to determine whether the space is queer-friendly.)

If you can, make attempts to call or email the owners of the clubs you’ve looked into to answer all of your questions about club safety and their measures to prevent/accommodate triggers of their members. If they are rude via email or phone, or if they insinuate anything you are not comfortable, you can avoid those locations without having to experience the effects of your triggers first hand.

Even though BDSM spaces promote certain facets of BDSM lifestyles, good clubs should advocate for all aspects of sexual interaction so long as it is mutually consented to, is respectful, and doesn’t promote a negative environment/behaviors. I would imagine that though some BDSM clubs maintain activity areas for specific kinks/fetishes, the club would include activity groups for all different kinds of desires (not just ones someone may find extreme or personally uncomfortable).

Communicating with club owners and club goers is likely to be your best bet in learning about the culture of the clubs so as to avoid entering situations you are uncomfortable with. If you have any friends or friends of friends who pursue such environments, you could ask them where and how they go about being in those communities.

One of the clubs I looked at in my state decided to put more “vanilla” activities on the main 1st and 2nd floors of the building whilst the more fetish/kink/hardcore activities are in a basement that they converted into a “sex dungeon” so that people with those interests are separate from those who may be triggered or put off by such activities.


I am into a few “kinky” things, like I love being a Dominatrix with my man, and our selected friends. But I’m majorly turned off by pain, humiliation, and demeaning sex talk. I guess I mostly just love the black leather outfits, and my cat-o-nine tails…lol. I am a survivor of sexual abuse as a kid, so anything that seems disrespectful to me triggers rage.

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I realize this is an older post but its a good one to keep taling about. I totally appreciate the need for queer safe, not necessarily hardcore play space. I admit I am a novice, because f-me, I hate driving into the city here (Bay Area, California). That said, I am aware of what can be found. Depending on your city… the bay area has a calendar of things for all things BDSM all over the greater Bay Area. That said, thats mostly BDSM. I have seen queer and trans friendly play parties and or sex parties, non bdsm. You might want to follow or join local lgbt facebook pages, since I see specific events posted on those…and thanks to facebook algorithms you will be shown similar relevant groups. Add in local sex positive groups or business pages, lgbt safe sex groups, providers, venues, etc.
There will be crossover in the bdsm community, with all sorts of sex positive play parties and queer safe sex parties. I think everyone should find a munch and drop in. A munch is a plain clothes meet up in a normal venue for conversation, education, info sharing and camaraderie. My city has two, one for all genders and one for subby women. The women’s group is great because there are all sorts of happy, sex positive kinksters who are supportive. Its also a good way to make sure you play safe, and find vetted, safe venues and scenes. There are all sorts of kinksters— even softies who dont like pain, and many who will totally get and respect past traumas and abuse. Some munches rock, some are low key and simple, people tend to visit other local munches, not just their local munch.
Use FB for its algorithms.
Find a munch: http://findamunch.com/a-beginners-guide-to-bdsm-munches/
Fet Life and Meet-up also have event postings- all sorts.

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I HATE THAT YOU HAVE TO PAY! I am part of Organ House in SF and it usually consists of wealthy h-white techies. I understand that it takes money to rent space, especially in the Bay Area, but at least give people discounts.
SO! I would recommend asking fellow kinksters that you trust and research it. OR! Host your own!

Man. I’ll admit this, I was surprised how much sexy stuff is just out in public. I was blown away when I found out you can just buy vibes from the local mall. Honestly I’ve always wondered about places like this. Though it’s probably my romantic virgin heart getting butterflies thinking about situations like that lol.