I tried this “experiment” mere moments before sitting down (or should I say laying down?) to write this post. I didn’t really know what to expect. I had actually successfully fingered myself before I decided to give it a go again but the first time I did I felt very disconnected and really didn’t feel any pleasure. I wish I could say I had a different experience this time around, but unfortunately that is not the case. I used my trusty Get the Butters lube and thoroughly coated my fingers with it before rubbing on my vulva to get myself more warmed up and prepared rather than just jumping in with penetration. I gave myself a few moments to just massage my clitoris and labia before teasing my vagina with my finger. I noticed each time I got close to my vagina I would zone out and look off at some random corner of my room. I had to shake my head to get myself back in the present. Trying with all my might to be more present and aware, I slowly tried sliding my finger inside (applying more lube if I found it to be necessary) and with only my fingerTIP in I started crying pretty hard. It was brief, but still an emotional outburst. I noticed that my vagina literally started cramping and had this achey feeling, so I stopped immediately. I was really frustrated and almost wanted to just shove my finger in as punishment, but I didn’t. It was just an urge out of trauma and anger. Even when my finger was out my vagina had this aching feeling and the muscles felt tight. I just don’t think penetration is something that feels pleasurable or enjoyable for me at this point in time. I’m kind of at a crossroads with this. Do I regularly schedule time to relax and try penetration? Or do I just accept that I don’t like vaginal penetration and stick to anal? (I enjoy anal play very much) also…maybe this also has to do with gender euphoria given that I feel like a guy at heart…that is a possibility as well
Right now I feel emotionally overwhelmed and am watching some ASMR to try to feel better. But I can’t help but feel this pulsing anger underneath the surface that it’s HER (the abusive “friend”) fault that I can’t finger myself. My mind is screaming at me that she damaged me and that no one will want to have sex with someone that can’t even finger themselves. Writing it out helps because I can distance myself from the thoughts and challenge them (thanks, therapy! Its a good thing I had an appt today) I just needed to vent. Thank you for taking the time to read this 
Being new here; I don’t understand your whole story. I am very sorry for your pain and suffering.
Having been a massage therapist, I do know that we hold our stress and pain in different parts of our body. Maybe you should try giving yourself a massage, and gradually work into a non invasive “Yoni Massage”.
Be Well & Be Happy
Have you looked into vaginismus? The short explanation is that the pelvic muscles contract painfully around penetration due to perceiving penetration as a threat. It can have all kinds of causes, physical and mental. Inserting fingers can be really painful, even without vaginismus, due to the texture. If you’re hoping to enjoy penetration, it could be worth looking into dilator sets (graduated sizes of insertable cylinders) to increase your comfort. Spectrum carries some really good ones, like the blush wellness kit. Good luck!
Thank you for your response! I will look into those dilators to help penetration not be as painful 
Ugh, so frustrating, I’m sorry you are having this experience.
Love that WJM suggested dilators! Figured I’d drop in the link for what we have, agree that the Blush set is great! We also are out of stock currently but have a vibrating set as well: We've found results for "Dilator" | Spectrum Boutique
I do want to touch on to two things you said:
- “do I just accept that I don’t like vaginal penetration…” I would add “for now” to that statement. It doesn’t mean forever, and hey, even if you do more work and you realize it isn’t your thing, that’s ok too! I just want to reinforce the idea to not put too much pressure on yourself to make a total decision.
You mentioned therapy (yay! Just got out of my weekly appointment!), so I’m assuming you are familiar with exposure work, let me know if not. I think scheduling some time to relax and try penetration as exposure work in a controlled setting would be good, IF you want to do that and it feels beneficial for you at this time. Personally I can tell the difference when something makes me uncomfortable but I know need to push myself a bit to sit in the discomfort and work through it (aka I’m avoiding it because I don’t want to deal with it), and when it’s simply a hard pass and something I need to not do at this moment in time. So I’d tune into yourself and see if that is something that would be helpful or maybe just isn’t in the cards right now (doesn’t mean you can’t revisit it later).
And last but not least, and I know you were just venting and writing it out which SO totally helps, but just want to reinforce “no one will want to have sex with someone that can’t even finger themselves” is simply not true. There are different needs and wants and fulfillment for every type of folks, it’s all about finding compatible partners for what you need and for what someone else needs. Don’t let that negative self talk get in your head (I know, easier said than done), if anything it’s great that you are listening to what your body and you need, so when looking for suitable partners to be with, you can vocalize what you need, and the ability to do that in itself is an incredibly powerful thing to be able to do!