(Sorry this is really long but I’m struggling - Also TW: codependency, trauma, emotional abuse, violent outburst, manipulation)
My partner and I have had a tumultuous relationship for the last few years. We are both young (I’m 21 and he’s 22) so this feels like a contributing factor to our issues. Part of me feels like working on the relationship isn’t worth it because we are so young and still growing into the kind of people we want to be. Part of me feels like working on the relationship might show us we are able to grow within a partnership.
At the beginning of our relationship, we would spend about 4 days apart and 3 days together. For me, this was a great balance because I had plenty of time to complete the things I needed to and I could look forward to planning eventful and meaningful weekends with my partner. He on the other hand wanted to be together all the time, and eventually, that did happen as he gradually stopped wanting to stay at his home because of family reasons.
Eventually, I felt somewhat suffocated having to share a tiny bedroom that barely fit a queen bed in the lower level of my mom’s house. I am also the type of person to internalize my struggles and retreat to an isolated state to recuperate after a lot of social interaction. This extends even into my relationship. I obviously still loved my partner but would need regular time to myself to feel as present as I could be when we were together. We encountered multiple rocky moments throughout that time and eventually ended up moving in together with a family friend of mine as roommates.
Even since the beginning, it was evident that my partner wanted to draw people close when he felt emotionally drained or upset and that was very different for me. I wasn’t good at validating his need for care and support in those times because I was used to taking time away to recharge.
Fast forward to our present relationship, we have been struggling severely with communication and finding a way to improve the health of our relationship. My partner finally suggested we do weekly check-ins, plan dates, and plan times to spend time with one another when our schedules are busy. He also wants us to identify boundaries, desires, and needs we have in a relationship. And this is absolutely wonderful! Except I feel somewhat resentful because I had been asking for all of these things and actually making them feasible for most of our relationship and he had been resistant to them. It’s only now that I am feeling incompatibility and a desire to end the relationship that he has pushed for us to do them.
We have had multiple conversations about me being done with the relationship and each time there’s some sort of miscommunication at those times where my partner thinks I am still committed to him, but when I do things for myself such as talking with new people ( to make friends), hanging out with friends, or spending more time out of the house than usual, he feels offended and disrespected. I’ve tried explaining that in those moments we previously had a conversation where I told him I was done. I explained that the only way I would be willing to work on things/stick to the relationship was if we showed some promise at being able to communicate, negotiate, and problem-solve together better than we had.
Unfortunately, I’ve been contemplating ending the relationship for nearly 8 months (6 of it was spent trying to salvage things). We were driving home from a party at 3AM where we had both drank and gotten high earlier in the night but had come down enough to safely drive, and he decided to talk about our relationship. He asked me point blank if I wanted to be in a relationship, and I said I didn’t. In the past, he would tell me I seemed like I didn’t know what I wanted in our relationship and that I constantly tiptoed around what I wanted to say despite me telling him what was mentioned in the previous paragraph. (I don’t know if I was genuinely sending mixed signals though so I feel bad)
He got so angry he sped through our neighborhood into a parking spot, came in the apartment, and immediately threw my keys. He then started to pack up all of his stuff while calling me a slew of names and telling me I’m ending the relationship for nothing and that I haven’t ever given a good reason that is completely unable to be compromised, fixed, or negotiated. He told me I haven’t really tried to work on our relationship and when I’ve made meager efforts, after him basically making it the easiest it could possibly be to work on things, that I was inconsistent and didn’t believe I could change for the better in our relationship.
He started throwing things around like sauce packets which spattered all over the walls and onto the ceiling, he slammed doors and drawers and threw my stuff on the floor. He demanded I give him my phone, and I did because I didn’t know if he’d try to snatch it or hurt me, and he proceeded to delete all images, videos, and memories I had on my phone of him then tossed my phone on the ground at my feet.
I tried to move into the bedroom to keep all of my stuff together so he wouldn’t break anything important. I placed some of my stuff on the bed and sat on the edge crying, waiting for him to be done. He came in about twice and got in my face repeating what he said previously and then asking me if I felt good, if being treated that way felt good because that was what he felt like most of the time- defeated, like I didn’t give a single fuck what he felt- like I didn’t care or love him. He went through my stuff in the dresser and through my med/vitamin box to see what was his (I’d already emptied them out though but he still ended up taking things of mine that he thought were his). In the process, he spilled soda on my clothes and threw my things on the floor.
I’m not the type of person to be reactive in conflict and I usually submit, but since being in therapy and taking it upon myself to learn/help myself, I didn’t want to accept fault for things I felt I didn’t deserve to. But I also don’t know how to stand up for myself just yet, so I sat in silence barely looking at him. This made him even angrier and at one point it sounded like he stopped moving in the living room so I got up to pee since it had been 2 and a half hours of yelling and moving stuff out.
When I came back out I saw he had dumped a gallon of water all over my stuff on the bed and then he proceeded to dump a second gallon on the bed. He then went and grabbed flour and poured it on top of everything. After that, he said some more mean stuff and left.
I was so flustered and upset I tried to call some family friends and my mom, they told me to file a police report and I did, even though I absolutely did not want to because I still love him. The family friends came over and tried to help me clean. Since then I have found other things he wrote on like my car and some items I had in the kitchen.
He messaged me later in the day and wanted to apologize for everything, saying he’d spoken with his mom and felt like he still wanted to salvage the relationship. He said he just didn’t understand why I wanted to break up. I agreed to speak with him and his mom (her as a mediator/guide for the conversation) and I explained my side.
His mom said she felt that everything that went on was a normal part of relationships and that our level of miscommunication and frustration was normal. She also said that we are a good match because I internalize and isolate while he externalizes and craves closeness. To me this just signals that I will feel smothered and he will feel unloved because I’m not providing the level of love and attention he needs. I expressed that and she said that us dating people similar to ourselves would ultimately result in the end of a relationship. She said most people she knew had the same kind of dynamic as us and were eventually able to grow past the miscommunication.
Because of how passive and nonconfrontational I am, this entire situation was a huge problem and severe blow for me in the relationship. I know I still love him and if I could make it work I would (I told him we’d need to enter therapy immediately), but I am so scared I’ll get stuck again and if I do agree to work on things and I eventually still feel we are incompatible, he’ll never believe me, trying to force me to stay into the relationship. I don’t feel like this is a fear of commitment because I am more than willing to commit in the moment but still acknowledge people change and nothing stays the same forever. But I don’t know if it would even be a good idea to work on things. My family disliked him before, but now they especially hate him because they know me as a loving, nonconfrontational, and empathetic person who only wants to help/make things better. Would it be a really bad idea to work on things?