Do I deserve forgiveness

Anyone willing to read or respond I am very appreciative. I’m in a bad place and feel like I have done the worst thing I could ever do to someone with whom I felt more love than ever before.

I met a man while traveling last year. He is from a country in South America. We travelled together for 3 weeks and fell in love. We are still talking to this day even after a year apart and I am still banned from his country because of the pandemic.

The thing I did is that I hid something from him while we were together and I told him when I got home. I had a 2 night stand with a random guy only a week before I met him. And the worst part is that one of the times we did not use protection. He kind of pressured me but it doesn’t matter. Then even worse when I was with the important man that I fell in love with, I let him give me unprotected oral sex and we had some short instances of unprotected penetrative sex. I was terrified to tell him when we were together for fear of losing him.

I’ve since been tested and I’m ok. He is finally home in his home country and getting tested soon. I know how horrible what I did is and I hate myself. I played with his health and I knew it was wrong but I was too mich of a coward to do the right thing and tell him.

Since then he has asked for every detail of my sexual past. I have been with 6 more people than him, have tried more things in bed and one time dating someone 19 years older. He doesn’t understand how I could do these things and he gets angry at me almost daily. He hadn’t had sex for 2 years before me.

I am 30 years old and I am so disappointed and angry at myself. I never found anyone like him before and I want to marry him.

Our relationship has just been getting worse over time and it doesn’t help that we have no idea when We will be allowed to travel to each other. It’s gotten to the point where he says he would like to see me again to make his decision, but I shouldn’t get my hopes up and it will probably just be a tourist trip and then I will go back to my country.

I hate myself. I am a coward and selfish and I can’t believe I did that to someone so special. I ruined the best thing I ever had. If you read this far thank you. I know no one can help me or this situation. I don’t know how to come back from this.

I’m sorry for all this that’s happening to you. It’s truly a shitty situation. However I feel you get the chance for forgiveness because you owned up to it, albeit a tad late. You understand what you did wrong and admitted to what you did. You didn’t keep it from him forever or just try and forget it. You know what you did was dangerous and bad and the fact that you were willing to own up to it says you deserve at least the chance to be forgiven. Not everyone would own up to something like this. I do hope everything works out and I hope you find yourself in a better place soon.

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I think you need to be the one to forgive yourself and that might take some soul-searching and inner work. As for the relationship, maybe make a list of what you really want in a relationship, what you really want in a partner and work out why you think you can’t have it (it’s never true but it’s good to know where your mind’s at and what you grew up being taught about relationships). Good luck!

PS I recommend Lacy Phillip’s work, one of her workshops is called Unblocked Love. Her work has been so helpful to me.


I agree with what everyone else has mentioned already. You’ve owned up to your mistake and you’ve communicated with him which is the most important thing you could have done for both him and yourself. I think it’s important to keep in mind that if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. If not, you can pick yourself back up and take the lessons you learned and apply them into other relationships. Don’t degrade or beat yourself up over it. I can understand acknowledging and accepting mistakes but don’t let things get to the point where it turns into hatefulness towards yourself. You can only learn from mistakes and do better. If he truly wants to give things a chance then so be it! Work together as a team to better understand each other and help each other out.


I agree with everyone else, you need to extend some kindness and forgiveness to yourself. We’re human. We make mistakes. We don’t say things in the heat of the moment and regret it after. It took me a long time (and I’m still learning) especially when it comes to sex to talk before and set boundaries and disclose information so I’m not regretting something later. But even when I do mess up, giving myself the space to let it go is how I’ve always found the space to move onward. And admitting you messed up shows that you have awareness and you know you messed up and learned from it.

That said, I do want to just say that no person you are with has the right to get angry at you for your sexual history. They don’t have to understand it, sure, because it’s not their life, but it’s not ok for someone to get angry at you for the consensual pleasure you’ve enjoyed. Especially on a daily level. And the number of sexual partners someone has shouldn’t mean anything to the person you are currently with. You’re there with them now. That is what matters. Don’t let you feeling bad about not telling him about the hookup before you had unprotected sex overshadow or negate the fact that it’s not ok for him to be upset with you about your sexual history, and that it’s not ok for him to ask for every detail of your sexual past. Sure, it’s fine to talk with partners about your sexual experiences in the past, but you don’t owe him any of that information and he doesn’t have the right to demand it. Outside of testing and safety, what you disclose to him is on your terms. That is yours. I would really encourage you to maybe talk with him about why he needs to know these things and why he’s had such a negative reaction to what you’ve told him, because it doesn’t sound very fair to you that he acts this way and it’s not very sex positive. And you deserve to have a partner that is sex positive and doesn’t get angry for the experiences you’ve had before him.

Good luck and sending you a lot of love and grace, be kind to yourself, we all make mistakes.


I just want to extend on what was said above, you say you are a coward and selfish but you were really brave to come forward and be honest. A natural human instinct is to self protect and not be vulnerable but you powered through and it’s important to embrace the power of those feelings ( it’s not easy but You will find growth if you can).

Also try to be kind to yourself when you can, you wouldn’t want a friend to call you coward or selfish or feel ashamed for their sexual history and I hope you find peace in your imperfections!


I 100% agree with Lisa, she said exactly what I was think as I read your post.
I know the feeling I would have in my stomach having that conversation and it’s hard to work up the courage to get there.
And dragging up past relationships is hard, getting judged by someone you have feelings for is even harder. Has he given as much detail in his own past as he demanded of you? The give and take has to be equal.

I’m giving you a hug, a warm cup of tea and one of my favorite quotes. “You is kind, you is smart, you is important.”
And I’m writing a proscription for one happy movie on the couch with cookies and milk.


You have to be honest about your past, don’t make it up or deny it.

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I can understand your frustration and feelings of shame, it can be very difficult to navigate a relationship when each partner has dissimilar sexual experiences. It sounds as though you took the time to explore your sexuality and desires throughout your life and that is wonderful! It helps so much to explore your own identity because it provides you insight into the things you want within relationships, whether they involve sex, romance, companionship, or more.

It sounds like your partner may have some insecurities about his own sexual exploits given that he feels uncomfortable with your sexual past yet desires to know every detail. It also sounds like he is comparing your sexual experience to his lack-thereof and could be feeling inferior. Sharing your past sexual experiences with a partner can be helpful when the information is shared with the purpose of improving your sex life with them and educating them on your desires. However, it sounds like your partner is making himself miserable rather than giving himself peace of mind by knowing your sexual interests and exploits.

Granted, it is not in one’s best interest to have unprotected sexual exploits with strangers, but it does happen from time to time. I can understand your hesitancy in telling your current partner about your sexual activity a few weeks prior but I don’t think it was rather important to share explicit information about the two-night stand, however, discussing you concerns about each other’s sexual health was important. If that were to ever happen again you could possibly just make an informed decision to ask the person about their sexual safety or encourage both of you to get tested prior to sexual relations. I am glad you felt you should take on the difficult conversation regarding you and your partner’s sexual health after first meeting, that is something to be admired as many people would feel too scared to do so.

Whatever you did prior to meeting your current partner has nothing to do with the current love and intimacy you experience with him. Even if you were to have had the two-night stand with a random person after first meeting your partner, I wouldn’t say that’s necessarily a reason to be so hard on yourself because the relationship with your partner was not yet defined as strictly monogamous and committed. In some cases, it could be good to chat with your partner about similar situations, but consider what benefit the conversation would bring to your relationship. Would telling your partner about such experiences ease your partner’s pre-existing insecurities about your sex life? What relevance do the situations have on your current relationship? Do the previous experiences have direct implications on the health, trust, or livelihood of your current partner?

You may love your partner very much, but consider how much misery he is putting himself through by prodding into every aspect of your sex life, and in turn, consider how much misery his frustration is bringing to your own life. It is wonderful to be honest and open in relationships as it promotes intimacy and trust, but it doesn’t sound as if your partner wants to hear your honesty. If he were truly invested in hearing you out, he wouldn’t be prodding with the intent of criticizing you or making you feel bad for your past sexual experiences. I would recommend speaking with him about where you think the relationship will go if he cannot move past your personal sexual experiences. Sometimes there are certain things people simply cannot see past, and if he cannot accept the fact that you had a sexual history prior to his presence in your life, then you both may end up resenting one another if you continue the relationship— you resenting his distrust and rejection of your past and him resenting your honesty about your sexual past.

Whatever you choose to do, try to make sure the outcome of your relationship is something you both want. No one should be guilted or shamed into staying in a relationship. No one should have to sacrifice or block out a part of their past that makes up their current identity just to satisfy someone else, no matter who the other person is.

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