I’ve been talking online with a married man. No pictures, only first names exchanged. To me its innocent flirting and dirty talk. Im not married or in a relationship. Just recently he has suggested we meet and act out our sex talk. No strings attached. Am I being selfish to say I’ve been contemplating to agree to meet him? I’m not looking for people to judge me, I just want honest input about people that have faced this decision.
I have not been in this situation, but I probably wouldn’t. Unless they are in an open relationship, meeting with him could ruin their marriage. Knowing the traditional marriage stuff, his wife would not be happy about that.
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So, here’s the thing: flirting and dirty messages and first names only with no pics? That’s all fantasy. Fantasy is fun! And sometimes it blurs a line, but also grown adults can make their own choices and live with any consequences. But if you decide to meet IRL, that can have a consequence you can’t control. That’s real life. And sure, “no strings attached,” might just mean that. But when you take a fantasy and move it into the real world, you can’t control every aspect of it. His wife could find out and contact you. You won’t have control over that. It’s a gamble you’d be taking.
Speaking from personal experience, I slept with a person who was finishing up a messy longterm relationship and was still with the person, we both weren’t probably in the best headspace and one thing lead to another. Sure, the sex was hot and it was fun (although that is never a given, and would suck if you took a risk and it wasn’t good sex), there was an extra element to it because we shouldn’t have been sleeping together, but would I do it again? 100)% nope. Because I have felt bad for the other person that this person was sneaking around on. I felt bad for their trust being betrayed, and I felt bad I had a hand in that. And I felt angry at myself that I put myself in a situation being intimate with someone that lacked a level of respect I wouldn’t want usually with someone I’d sleep with. I still over a decade later still feel shitty about it if I think about it.
Rather than worry about feeling selfish, I’d more be honest with yourself about how you’ll feel if you do this. If worst case scenario happens and his wife finds out and you are dragged into it, would that be something you can handle and mentally live with being a part of? Some folks have no qualms with that. I personally am just too emotional and a big old empath, so it’s not something that works for me. To me, the reward doesn’t outweigh the risk.
I will also say this: you deserve to sleep with people that are honest. This person isn’t honest. If his wife and him are in an open relationship that would be another thing, but it sounds that isn’t the case. Doesn’t mean you can’t sleep with this person, that is your choice, just know you deserve honest partners.
Also if you do sleep with him, wrap it up for everyone’s safety. Even if he says he is tested. Once again, honesty is the best policy and he’s not showcasing he’s good at that. Better safe than sorry.
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Thank you for your thoughts.
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I am well aware of the HUGE temptation to accept.
I did exactly that. But I was the male of that and I DID meet.
And I was also the married one.
So if I was a different kind of person, I could have done a lot of damage to the more than one woman I met with.
Fortunately for them, I never did.
(Physically) But emotionally, I don’t know.
So, my advice to you, if you want it, is please look for someone with no ties behind him. If you are looking, only for sex, you can still have that. But, if you happen to fall in love, you will be free for that also.
Thank you for your candid and honest response.