Two (or more) Realities of Gender

I have openly discussed my thoughts and feelings toward my gender on this platform and have received great feedback as a result, which I am grateful for. I am someone that does not find much comfort in labels as they feel rather suffocating to me, so I have very openly come to a point where the best word to describe my ever-fluctuating sexuality and gender is “queer.” :dizzy: However, I am reading the book Something Like Gravity for the second time now as it is a very engrossing queer YA book, which I love to read (especially if it doesn’t just focus on the character’s struggles and abuse they endure for being queer. That gets old fast!) There are two main characters, Chris (a trans 17-year-old boy) and Maia (a cis girl), and as I am reading this story I find myself ping-ponging toward both of these characters in terms of how I resonate with them. Any time I read about, see, or hear a trans man I am immediately grasped by this feeling of resonance. This is what happened the first and now the second time I have read this book - I envision myself as Chris and feel this sense of lightness. As for Maia, she has long beautiful hair and prominent breasts - which I also resonate with! I identify with Chris’s innate gentle masculinity as well as Maia’s innate demanding femininity. As I read, I insert myself within both of these characters. I imagine myself as Chris with the lean runner’s body and wearing men’s clothes and having a deeper voice, and I imagine myself as Maia with the long hair and prominent feminine figure. I have large breasts and a curvaceous body, which I love dearly and deeply - but I also yearn for wearing a packer and a binder and shaving the sides of my hair again. It feels very conflicting and I find myself almost living in two realities. I don’t even know what I am expecting or wanting as a response from this post; I guess this is also a place where anyone can find resonance and understanding, and find solace in these words. Thank you :heart:


Thank you, as always, lucid, for being so vulnerable and sharing your thoughts and experiences as you explore all the facets of your gender and sexuality. I truly believe even just hearing and reading someone else’s experience, whether someone engages or not, can make such a difference! Seeing other people’s journey and experiences def. helped me examine my own as well.

I think ever-fluctuating is a wonderful way to think about this stuff! I think that is why I too was drawn to the ID of queer, because to me it encompasses so much of a spectrum and also that I’m still learning more about myself. Which I think is a beautiful way to think about it all. I mean, we as humans change and learn and grow, we aren’t the same people we were a decade ago because of our lived experiences. Why then would our definitions of our own sexuality and gender not possibly change as well? I hate the idea that you have to label yourself into a specific thing and the pressure to be that forever, so queer to me has given me that room and freedom to know that if how I feel changes in the future (or even if nothing changes), I’m still me and it’s still valid.

The way you spoke reminds me a lot of my wonderful nonbinary friend, R. They enjoy so much both the more traditional societal feminine and masculine parts of themselves, and it ebbs and flows. Some days they identify and want to be seen as a person that is more androgynous and/or masculine in presentation, and some days they love and celebrate the parts that makes them outwardly present more feminine. Some days they are a bit of both! I totally honor how conflicting that can feel, and any frustrations that come with that, but I truly believe that we as humans have the capacity in us to hold and honor all the parts of our genders inside, however they present and whenever. Now, if the rest of the world would catch up with that viewpoint, we’d all probably be a lot happier and loving towards others, ha, but all we can do is give ourselves that acceptance and love to explore and change as we need to.

Thank you again for sharing your experience, love reading this :slight_smile:

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Thank you Lisa, as always your words bring warmth to my heart and soul :heart:

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