When I started dating my open he was pretty honest about how he is unable to stay committed in relationships and likes the idea of an open relationship. I personally have never been in one before or have ever thought about joining the “lifestyle” but I thought why not try something different. However, my partner has never been in an open relationship before and we both are coming at it from different angles. He thinks it’s best to keep the external affairs separate and secret but I think that we should be open and honest about every aspect of our relationship.
Does anyone here have any personal experience and/or any advice for beginners trying to navigate this concept?
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I really like Lola Phoenix’s work about non-monogamy and polyamory. They touch on a lot and I have read some stuff of their’s in the past about similar situations like what you are describing. My personal belief and learning has been that no one should feel forced to do something they don’t want to with non-mongamy. And it may take some time to talk through it all. I don’t recommend jumping in to it without some serious conversations. I also don’t recommend taking his lead because he has past experience. Your feelings are valid and desires to be open and honest are very reasonable I hope this resource helps and that you are able to talk about this more with your partner together.
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Thank you so much for the suggestion and support 
I’ll check out Lola Phoenix’s work
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it’s a bit of a red flag to me that he is “unable to stay committed” and also wants things to be secret. open relationships and polyamory still require commitment – in fact, often MORE commitment, because you are involved with multiple people - and while many folks have different levels of comfort with what they share and learn about metamours, there is a difference between boundaries and secrecy. you’re completely right in thinking that communication is key, so it might be good to sit down with him and discuss - or first journal/think/talk over in your own time - what you need and expect from a relationship, and trust your gut if something feels like it’s pushing an emotional boundary for you. i’m just automatically slightly mistrustful of what you’ve shared about him. and, to that end, if one open relationship doesn’t work, it doesn’t mean open relationships aren’t ever going to be a good fit for you. like any relationship, it’s a question of compatibility and honesty, and finding someone who respects you and your needs & boundaries and makes you feel valued.
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Thank you. You are right for me to be concerned with the obvious red flags. I have to admit that my boyfriend and I broke up since I wrote the first post. He was never going to change because he enjoyed the thrill he got from the secrecy. We were never able to agree on how to work on an open relationship together. We just weren’t compatible. It’s easy to know what do to from the outside but in the relationship, it’s a harder pill to swallow.
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Just want to say good on you for recognizing all of that. Def. a tough thing to recognize, but in the long run you’re doing what is best for you.
Also def. doesn’t mean you can’t try being poly again with the right person/people. And those folks should be all about communicating and what boundaries work for the both of you! Anyone looking for the thrill of secrecy isn’t someone that sounds like they’re being fair to partners within a poly relationship. And you deserve someone that is fair to all their partners and communicates well!
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Thank you 
I’m still open to new things. I’m just going to have to wait and see how the next relationship turns out.
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I’m currently in a poly relationship and have been in two others in recent years. The first was not an ethically poly relationship, in that the person I was with played her partners against each other emotionally (talking shit about one to the other is one example), and the second was with a person who just didn’t feel safe for me. In the relationship now, we communicate about how to share time, community spaces, our feelings of jealousy when they arise, and in general checking in on how everyone is doing. I just want to encourage you that if it’s something you’re interested in, this is possible and even a life-giving experience to have this kind of community in your love life.
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