Hey adorable, that is so frustrating, and I’m hoping to give a few suggestions and send some love your way.
First off, I get feeling disappointed when things aren’t working, but totally don’t feel embarrassed. Sex and bodies are complicated and can be specific to each person, there is a learning curve with many a new partner and even yourself.
If your partner is understanding and comforting, I would hope they would want to help you out. I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt, and assume maybe they are waiting for you to ask or tell them what you need. That isn’t an obligation, and def. isn’t a you problem to say to any partner “hey, I’m struggling with this, can we try X thing?” And pleasure is a two way street, generally everyone involved should be getting some sense of pleasure out of things. Once again, giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, does he maybe not realize you are feeling alone and not satisfied during sex? If so, that could be a communication issue. If he does know and isn’t trying to work with you on feeling good, well, I wouldn’t think he’s a very sweet guy after all then. A good partner wants you to feel good too, and is willing to talk it out and try things.
Partner stuff aside, I totally get the struggling to orgasm, with a partner or alone, because of lack of focus/arousal. It’s tough! For me, a lot of that has been mental stuff I’ve had to work on. Putting too much pressure on myself to orgasm or have fun generally has the opposite effect. I’m a control freak, and it was def. keeping me from letting go for a long time when it came to sex. Just trying to remind myself to let go, not worry about outcomes, and stay in the moment, bringing myself back to that message, helped me work on that. Another thing that has helped? Switching things up! Whether that be a new toy, a new position, new porn. For example, at one point I kinda got stuck masturbating the same way and it just didn’t feel as effective anymore for me. Getting a new toy, changing positions (I never realized I always laid down the same way!) and watching porn that wasn’t my usual MO just really shocked my system in a good way.
Bodies change throughout life, and that connection we have with our own can morph and be less present and change, so give yourself some grace. And talk to your partner, it’s ok to say “I would like to try X things or X toys during sex,” and to tell them you are struggling some. No shame in that, and people generally want to help the ones they care about feel good.